HyperLiterature

R.I.P. Blogspot

2006-07-02T21:00:00.000-05:00

Hopefully this will be the last post I’ll ever make here on Blogger. You can now find all the jackassery you can handle at Hyperliterature.

Get Off Your Ass

2006-07-02T13:58:00.000-05:00

I didn’t expect to post anything today because I wanted to get the site done. Ted Stevens decided to fuck that up too.

I’ve posted on internet neutrality before so I’m not gonna explain the concept again; expect to say that you want net neutrality. Otherwise AT&T, Verizon, et al, will institute “tiered access,” and jack up the price for the same service you’re receiving now.

On Thursday the Senate voted on a bill that contained a net neutrality provision. It deadlocked at 11 to 11. There have been some vocal opponents of net neutrality in the House and Senate, with Ted Stevens being the most vocal. You remember Ted? The crazy Senator from the great state of Alaska? (Just an aside, but why do Alaskans even need representation? There’s like, four of them, and I know they don’t have the internet yet)

I’m posting his transcribed speech courtesy of Wired.com. They have an mp3 of it as well. I will interject small comments parenthetically and bold them. I won’t say much, because I don’t wanna take anything away from Ted’ illuminating genuis. I’m so glad we have someone deciding the fate of the internet who understands it so well.

“There's one company now you can sign up and you can get a movie delivered to your house daily by delivery service. Okay. And currently it comes to your house, it gets put in the mail box when you get home and you change your order but you pay for that, right. (Uhhh, I guess so. I’m confused as to what you’re talking about but I’m sure it will all make sense…)

But this service isn't going to go through the interent and what you do is you just go to a place on the internet and you order your movie and guess what you can order ten of them delivered to you and the delivery charge is free. (I’m guessing he’s talking about Netflix, but even their biggest plan only allows you to keep four discs at a time. Maybe he’s just confused. Please continue, Ted)

Ten of them streaming across that internet and what happens to your own personal internet? (Personal internet? Okay, now he knows something I don’t…)

I just the other day got, an internet was sent by my staff at 10 o'clock in the morning on Friday and I just got it yesterday. Why? (Holy shit! Someone sent him a whole internet!!! How’s that even possible!)

Because it got tangled up with all these things going on the internet commercially. (Wait, they sent him an internet through the internet? And is the internet like rain forest with vines and trees hanging down so traffic gets “tangled?”)

So you want to talk about the consumer? Let's talk about you and me. We use this internet to communicate and we aren't using it for commercial purposes. (What? I missed that last part because I was confirming an order from Amazon and scoping out some sweet comics at eBay. Did he say anything important?)

We aren't earning anything by going on that internet. Now I'm not saying you have to or you want to discriminate against those people [...]The regulatory approach is wrong. Your approach is regulatory in the sense that it says "No one can charge anyone for massively invading this world of the internet". No, I'm not finished. I want people to understand my position, I'm not going to take a lot of time. [?] (He’s right. I do not want Job or Agent Smith invading the internet.)

They want to deliver vast amounts of information over the internet. And again, the internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. (Right. It’s a delivery sytem but it can’t handle dumpage. And watch out for the vines.)

It's a series of tubes. (What the fuck? Maybe he’s drunk.)

And if you don't understand those tubes can be filled and if they are filled, when you put your message in, it gets in line and its going to be delayed by anyone that puts into that tube enormous amounts of material, enormous amounts of material. (Wait, I thought this was a speech about the internet? Does he think the internet works like the sewer system?)

Now we have a separate Department of Defense internet now, did you know that? (Ummm, yes I did. In fact, the DOD owned the very first internet and intranet networks waaaaay back in the sixties. Our current lines are based on those primitive networks.)

Do you know why? (Ummm, to watch porn and bitch about movies like the rest of us?)

Because they have to have theirs delivered immediately. They can't afford getting delayed by other people. (Yeah!!! DOD employees need their porn NOW!)

[...]Now I think these people are arguing whether they should be able to dump all that stuff on the internet ought to consider if they should develop a system themselves. (Again, the internet is not a sewer Captain Dipshit.)

Maybe there is a place for a commercial net but it's not using what consumers use every day. (Well slap my ass and call me Charlie. Did he really just say that a commercial network is not for consumers?)

It's not using the messaging service that is essential to small businesses, to our operation of families. (I think he’s drunk again.)

The whole concept is that we should not go into this until someone shows that there is something that has been done that really is a viloation of net neutraility [sic] that hits you and me. (Please, please hold your applause.)"

I didn’t make any of that up. He really said all that idiotic shit. He reminds me of a crazy relative that you try real hard not to sit next to at Thanksgiving. The only difference is that he’s a senator and not an out-of-work handy-man.

Look, click on the banner on my right side-bar and learn about net neutrality. There’s a link on that page that takes you to an app that will let you email your Senator and you House Representative. Please write them. It doesn’t have to be long letter just tell them in one or two sentences to support net neutrality. This isn’t about wanting to get free stuff from legitimate companies. It’s to make sure those companies don’t destroy what we already have. Get off you ass, dammit.

Buncha Savages

2006-07-02T02:20:00.000-05:00

Since my link dump thingy isn’t working I’ll have to post this link here. For all our braggadocio we’re still a bunch of freaking animals aren’t we?

It's Coming...

2006-07-02T01:49:00.000-05:00

I’m bleary-eyed from working on the new blog. I’m certain it will come to no surprise to any of you who know me that the ready-made templates over at WordPress just didn’t do it for me. Hopefully you’ll like what I’ve done with the new site.

I’m a little uncertain about the pixel size of the page (that’s how large the page appears on the monitor). I’ve optimized it for people who have their resolution set at 1024 or higher because according to my stat counter and some articles I read recently that’s the most common resolution. If it gives you too much trouble and you really, really don’t wanna step into the 21 first century by setting your resolution higher, well, send me some mail and I’ll change it.

So go play with the new Hyperliterature and tell me what you think. Keep it mind I’m still fussing with it.

Oh, and right now you’ll have to go through this link or type in www.hypermark.dreamhosters.com. As soon as I know I’m done with making changes I’ll change the domain so that you can just type in www.hyperliterature.com.

Delay

2006-07-01T01:53:00.000-05:00

I’ve been working on the new site so I didn’t actually write anything tonight. My bad. Hopefully the new site will be up and running by Sunday night or Monday morning and we’ll never have to deal with Blogger again.

Superman Returns: The Long Review (No Spoilers)

2006-06-30T01:29:00.000-05:00

Usually after we watch a movie I try to write up some kind of review before I begin reading the critics’ articles. I want to make sure no one else influences my opinions, but after we saw “Superman Returns” I just had to see what other people had written. Frankly, their opinions have surprised me.

Many of the reviewers have taken umbrage with the fact that Superman seems much more alien than and not as bumbling as Christopher Reeve in the 1978 version. I actually liked this aspect of the movie. Routh’s performance accompanied by Singer’s direction reveals a small glimpse of the bumbling Clark Kent, enough to make it believable that a mere pair of glasses serves as a convincing disguise, but we don’t get so much of the slap-stick jackassery that it becomes distracting. A Superman movie should be fun, but not in a Buster Keaton kinda way.

One of the most interesting aspects of Superman arises from his heritage. Despite his desperate longing to be human Superman will always be an alien, and Singer’s film really emphasizes this conflict. For all intents and purposes Superman is a god, albeit a god that loves and respects the men he walks among. Singer’s Superman floats above Earth using his preternatural hearing to parse through the cacophony of humanity in order to locate and prevent disasters. For me, this is where Singer uniquely defines Superman against other Super-Heroes.

Peter Parker is nothing if not human. We like him because he hurts, bleeds, and mourns just like us. In Spider-Man 2 when Peter passes out after having saved the train from hurtling off the tracks, the passengers of the train, Peter’s fellow New Yorkers, lift him up reverently and bring him aboard. One man marvels that Spider-Man looks to be the same age as his son, and when Doc Ock returns to finish off the unconscious Spider-Man the crowd steps forward to protect their own. They realized that underneath the costume resides a mortal man, and they connected with that humanity, just as audiences have done for decades. Watching Superman float above earth listening to humanity cry out for a savior I couldn’t help but imagine that the weight of such a responsibility would most likely drive Peter Parker mad. Man is simply not made for such things.

On the opposite end of the spectrum we have Bruce Wayne. Well, actually we have Batman, because the Bruce persona actually serves as a disguise for the Batman. Batman is most interesting when the writer realizes that the death of Bruce’s parents drove him insane, and the Batman is the result of that insanity. It’s a controlled insanity to be sure, but insanity nonetheless. Batman fights crime to punish the criminals and not to protect the weak. Bruce’s humanity died with his parents, and if he possessed the ability to float above the Earth I think he would tune out the cries for salvation and focus in on eavesdropping on the criminals.

In “Superman Returns” we see Superman zip around the globe answering cries of help like a red and blue savior. At one point in the movie he literally holds the weight of a globe on his shoulders. But as we see through his relationship with Lois and his aloofness with the rest of Clark’s contemporaries Superman’s role as protector is a lonely one. A near omnipotent being simply has no real place with the rest of humanity, and try as he might, Superman never overcomes this.

Enough about character, let’s talk about the action. Let me say this: Superman is a badass. No joke. You’ve never ever seen a character with as much ass-kicking presence as Singer’s Superman. He flies at speeds beyond human comprehension, he lets a bullet hit him in the eye without blinking, he moves through fire and water seemingly unfazed, and he rips through the debris of an airplane in mid-flight without so much as a grimace. Donner’s film promised that you’d believe a man could fly, while Singer’s proves to you that Superman is the baddest mofo in the universe.

Unfortunately for Routh, Kevin Spacey pulls a Nicholson and turns in a villainous performance that damn-near overshadows the hero. Spacey completely erases the foul taste left in my mouth by Hackman and Beatty, and his portrayal of Lex sets the bar for super-villains. But then we all knew it would, didn’t we?

I can’t recommend this movie enough. Singer perfectly balances the drama with the action so that when things start to go all cataclysmic you truly worry for the characters. I already want to see it again.

Wait, one more thing: For someone who genuinely feels betrayed by our government (calm down…I hate the ineffectual dems as much as the radical repubs) I was genuinely moved by the altruism of Superman. Superman is so much more than a hero-he’s an ideal-he’s the thing we should all strive to be. Jor-El tells Superman that “[Humans] can be a great people, Kal-El. They wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I have sent them you, my only son.” The amazing thing? Superman actually believes that about us, and that belief truly makes him a hero.

I could go on about this movie, but I think I’ll stop here for now. Tomorrow I may post some graphic novel recommendations if you’d like to read more about the last son of Krypton.

GREAT CEASAR’S GHOST!

2006-06-29T18:13:00.000-05:00

The (short) Superman Review: Damn. Go see that movie. Right now.

I’ll post a more comprehensive review later tonight, but by all means go see it without reading my jibber-jabber.

Not kidding. Go.

The Man Of Today

2006-06-29T11:08:00.000-05:00

What is three decades old, covered in a cold sweat, and squeals like a four year old girl?

Me, in about two hours in the theater when I hear that big John Williams score in Dolby Digital while watching the new “Superman” flick.

I’ll have a review up at the end of the day. Oh, and no link dump today…and perhaps no more until I get the new Hyperliterature up and running.

Is that foreshadowing, you ask? Nope. Foreshadowing is subtle. I’m straight out telling you.

Technical Difficulties

2006-06-28T22:43:00.000-05:00

Yeah, I realize my Daily Link Dump was late and that it also looks awful. Sorry. Blogger sucks. I’m in the process changing hosts. Bear with me.

Daily Links

2006-06-28T22:34:00.000-05:00

Dust Art- via Austin American-Statesman

Much better than the tired old “Wash Me.”

He-Man Vs The Big Lebowski- via YouTube

At least this isn't another one of those mashups that make He-Man and Duncan look gay. Just in case you haven't seen The Big Lebowski there's an awful lot of swearing, so if you're at work (or Baylor) turn the volume down or put on some headphones.

Sports Fans vs SciFi Fans by Peter David

Sports fans may have a slight physical advantage over SciFi fans, but we'll sure as hell outwit them. I've always said that Fantasy Football is D & D for the less intelligent.

Sandler- Again, And Again, And Again- via Best Week Ever

I don't care how much people make fun of Sandler, I'll never stop loving "Happy Gilmore" and "Billy Madison."

Spider-Man Teaser Trailer

(Sandman + Venom) * Rami / Black-Costume-Spidey = The Best Damn Movie Ever

Global Warming? Sounds Like Fun To Me!

2006-06-28T00:53:00.000-05:00

I’m sure you’ve heard about Al Gore’s movie “An Inconvenient Truth?” If not, it’s a documentary about the impact of global warming on our environment. Recently the Associated Press contacted 100 scientists and asked them their opinion on the film and they overwhelmingly agreed that Gore did a very good job presenting the scientific facts of global warming.

Of course, a small number of scientists disagree with Gore on this issue, but since those dissenters seem to regularly receive checks from Exxon/Mobil I’m not sure how much credence I’d lend their claim that Gore’s film is simply global alarmism. They remind me of the one out of five dentists who don’t recommend brushing regularly.

I hope we’re finally coming to the point where the desire to combat global warming transcends political affiliation and simply becomes a collective movement for the betterment of human kind. I’m sure it won’t happen in this administration but maybe the next one, whether it be republican or democrat, will lead the world by example in battling global warming.

Don’t misunderstand me: I’m not one of those nitwits who believe we possess the capability to destroy the Earth. “Save the Earth.” What a dumbass non-philosophy. It should have been “Save the Humans,” ‘cause isn’t that what we’re really talking about? The Earth will pretty much adapt to whatever conditions occur, but the people? I’m not saying we’ll become extinct; I think we’re much too resilient and intelligent for that. But I certainly don’t want my great-grandkids worrying about where they’ll get the money to buy the new Hilfiger Haz-Mat suit.

As much as my intellectual side hopes we’re experiencing a paradigm shift in the way that we view global warming the sci-fi nerd in me hopes we’ve reached the point of no return.

Just in case a swift and violent environmental disaster occurs, here are my tips for survival in the wasteland:

1. Find a shotgun. Unless you’re a trained marksman (or a high school nerd) handguns will only get you into trouble. Inevitably you’ll pull out your hand-cannon on a group of marauding mutants, take a shot at the leader, miss, and then get mocked while they rape and pillage you. With a shotgun you don’t even have to aim. Just point in general vicinity of the mutants and pull the trigger and the buck-shot will do the rest. Just ask Harry Whittington.

2. As Hurricane Katrina and “Waterworld” taught us, an abundance of water does not necessarily equal an abundance of potable water. You’ll need some means by which to re-hydrate yourself while battling the anarchists and nihilists, and I’m sorry, but beer will not do (it actually dehydrates you). You can find a lot of ways on-line for rendering rainwater drinkable, but that’s so pedestrian, and besides, there’s simply an easier way. Click the arrow in the middle of the picture to the right and Tyler Durden will explain it to you:

3. Get in shape. Right now. Don’t wait for a tribe of cannibals to begin chasing you to decide that your jogging-stamina needs work. If at all possible hire a physical trainer to chase you around with a shiv while screaming incoherently, because there’s nothing like real-world situations to heighten the immediacy of your work-out. Also, learn to kick people in the groin and to punch at the neck. Use the adam’s apple as a target. And for God’s sake don’t forget about eye-gouging. Too many people underestimate the effectiveness of a thumb in the eye-socket. Just remember: if they can’t see you they can’t invade your orifices.

4. Learn to manipulate and organize masses of people into doing your bidding whether it benefits them or not. I’d recommend watching hours of Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell. If you can find tapes of David Koresh and Charles Manson those are decent as well. (Yes, I did compare Falwell and Robertson to Manson and Koresh. The only difference between them is that Falwell and Robertson are a smidge more refined). You’ll need large groups of folks to sacrifice themselves for the greater good, i.e. you. It’s not necessary that you convince them to ingest a cocktail of grape Flavor-Aide with a splash of cyanide and a twist of valium, but it’s good to know they would if you asked. Remember: You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar, but you can always lace the honey with narcotics if the flies piss you off.

And that’s it. In the spirit of full disclosure I should tell you that there are more things I’ve written down that I’m just not all that willing to share. I mean, I’ve gotta have some way to get the upper hand on everyone once the hurricanes attack and destroy our freedoms.

2006-06-27T16:25:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-27

Hacking Iraq- via The Localist

"For now, at least, 350 soldiers in Iraq are free to post to their blogs, watch pornography, and order cans of spaghetti-os from Amazon." An amazing story about soldiers setting up and paying for their own networks to plug into the internet.
Man says he's on heroin to avoid jury duty- via Yahoo! News

This sounds like something that I'd get into trouble for doing. This line slays me: "Ratliffe filled out a questionnaire form for potential jurors and professed to having a "bad jonesin' for heroin."" Good God that's funny.
A Comcast Technician Sleeping on my Couch- via YouTube

Funny stuff.
Best Colbert Bit Ever- via YouTube

Stephen's laugh kills me.
"Snakes On A Plane" parody posters

Geez, the movie hasn't even come out yet...

2006-06-26T16:24:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-26

Cows pursue dog walker into bog- via BBC news

"A man and his dog had to be rescued from a bog in Devon after being chased by a herd of cows." I'm at a loss for words...
Greek Bike Accident 1- via YouTube

Greek drivers are crazy. And even crazier are the psychos who drive the scooters. I'd want a dump truck if I had to drive in Athens.
A Cheater's Guide to Board Games

On Scrabble: "It helps to hide one of your tiles beforehand. There’s no “I” in “team,” but there just might be one up your anal cavity."
Flocking birds almost bring down tree-via VideoSift

This is why we need more Bird Flu.

SNAFU

2006-06-26T01:50:00.000-05:00

Well, it looks like my domain name works properly again. Sorry about the little meltdown, but on the plus side at least it got fixed within two days.

Now things can return to normal…relatively speaking…

2006-06-25T16:21:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-25

Snakes on a Plane Early Auditions- via YouTube

Aside from Jay Mohr this guy does the best Walken impersonation I've ever seen.
How to write good

"Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed."

Recreational Activities

2006-06-25T00:57:00.000-05:00

Instead of working on fixing my DNS problem today we went toobing down the Guadalupe river. Sorry ‘bout that.

We took this picture from the top of a hill overlooking the Guadalupe. If you’ve never been toobing before then you’ve been deprived as a human being. You rent an inner tube for yourself, preferably one with a bottom so your ass doesn’t hit rocks, and then you rent another one for your cooler which contains snacks and ice cold beer. And here comes the good part: you float for several hours doing nothing but snacking and soaking up the Texas sun.

Do not confuse toobing with rafting. They only share one similarity: water. I’m told that rafting may at times become dangerous. Apparently while rafting you fight with turbulent water and maneuver around treacherous rocks. While toobing you sit in a tube and float. Sometimes an hour or so passes and you might only have moved several feet. Toobing is pretty safe, unless of course you get so drunk and sunburned you roll off your tube and drown.

I would post pictures from on the river, but we didn’t take the digital camera, so you’ll have to wait until I get the ones from the water camera developed.

Heh. Developing pictures…isn’t that silly?

2006-06-24T16:21:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-24

World Cup fans fail to lift local sex industry- via Reuters.com

Things must be bad. When the economy is so depressed that sex isn't selling...well, then you know we've got problems. "I do not understand why prostitution is illegal...selling is legal...fucking is legal...why isn't selling fucking legal?" -George Carlin
"Penis Song" Performed by Brad Pitt & Edward Norton- via YouTube

What a brilliant performance. Just one more reason why "Fight Club" is probably the greatest movie of the nineties. And yes, even more so than The Matrix. I'd go to a coffee house to watch'em perform. Seriously, click the link.
3000-year-old "pyramid" discovered in NE China

They’ve uncovered these ziggurats all over the globe. Were they burial sites? Or perhaps Xenu’s bungalows on earth? No one knows…
Meteorite Collision- via YouTube

“animation showing what would happen if a giant meteor hit the Earth.” This animation doesn't take into account Bruce Willis and his crackerjack team of roughnecks. And why does the meteor look like the Death Star at the beginning of the film?
Black and white twins- via Daily Mail

God's racism-fix.

TARFU

2006-06-24T11:56:00.000-05:00

I lied. You’ll have a link dump, but I’m still experiencing problems with my domain. You MUST type in www.hyperliterature.blogspot.com to get to this blog.

I’m a-workin’ on it.

FUBAR

2006-06-24T02:34:00.000-05:00

Things are acting wonky on the site. My main URL www.hyperliterature.com doesn’t seem to be working at all. I’ve been alternating between working on the blog and on some video capture problems. So no post and more than likely no link dump.

2006-06-23T16:24:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-23

Ancient web spins evolution story- via BBC News

Something else for the Creationists to ignore.
Murtha Ready To Fight- via YouTube

Murtha shoulda just stabbed Gohmert in the eye with a pencil and shouted at his writhing body "I thank God for giving you soft gelatinous eyes that pop when poked, you sanctimonious ass!"
Always Look On The Bright Side of Life- via YouTube

You'll be whistling this all day. You're welcome.

Lewis Black In San Antonio

2006-06-23T02:43:00.000-05:00

We saw Lewis Black perform tonight at the Majestic Theater in downtown San Antonio. He put on an awesome show. I’ve seen all his specials and heard all his CD’s, but nothing compares to Lewis live. Here’s some YouTube clips if you’ve never seen Lew.

I’ve got a friend who doesn’t like Lewis because of all his anti-Bush material, but when Clinton served in office Lewis attacked his idiocy just as violently. At one point during the show an audience member made a remark that sent Lewis into a tizzy.
I couldn’t hear what he said, but it must have been something to do with Bush hailing from Texas because all at once Lewis broke into an impromptu bit about Bush, a Connecticut-born Andover-prep-school attendee and Yale graduate, suddenly becoming a “rancher” when it suited his political career. Lewis handled the hecklers hilariously, even the two shitheads who let their cell phones ring during his act.

After the show Lewis hung around and signed autographs and chatted with fans. It was kinda odd to see him actually smile and joke around, since he comes across so angry during his act.

Just an aside, but we saw one woman who literally had to have her boyfriend drag her out of the theater because she was so drunk. I’m all for having fun and everything, but why would you spend forty bucks on a ticket and then get so shit-faced that you couldn’t remember the show? Seems like a waste to me.

2006-06-22T16:24:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-22

MY EYES!!! I'M BLIND!!!
Peephole Reverse Viewer Tactical Door Viewer

Something to slip into the stocking come Christmas-time!
Texas A&M Battles Yahoo Over Use of the Term 12th Man- via KCEN

In other news Baylor has begun lawsuits to defend their exclusive right of the term "bible-thumping Bush-hemorrhoids."
If Scientologists Ruled the World -via Fark Photoshop Contest
Buzz Aldrin punches guy in the face- via YouTube

Not much more to say.
Laptops Give Hope to the Homeless- via Wired.com

I hate to be all capitalist, but if they have the skills necessary run blogs etc, then what's stopping them from finding jobs? I'm told our economy is doing fine so it must be their fault.

I Don't Feel So Go...Wait, I'm Fine

2006-06-22T03:25:00.000-05:00

I just read a Reuters article about Bird Flu which claims that “A Chinese man who died of pneumonia in 2003 and was at first classified as a SARS victim might have in fact died of avian influenza.”

Let’s look at that closely, shall we? First off, the guy had pneumonia. That’s a down-home sickness I can get behind. It’s been around the block and killed lots of folks along the way. I respect that.

But plain old pneumonia wasn’t good enough was it? Nope. Suddenly they, and by they I mean whoever is in charge of scaring the shit out of us, suddenly decided to classify his pneumonia as SARS, the sickness du jour.

Now they’re claiming that what the doctors first classified as SARS may in fact have been Bird Flu. SARS is so last season.

At first I felt a bit scared, because apparently this illness mutates faster than Wolverine on meth (I have no idea what that means), and is a master of disguise. Next it’ll assume the symptoms of syphilis or maybe whooping cough or ass-rash. (That’s a real thing…I looked it up)

My fears disappeared as I got to the end of the article and read this: “The H5N1 avian flu virus has swept across most of Asia, into parts of Europe and Africa. While it is mainly a disease of birds, it occasionally infects people and has killed 130.”

I’m something of an amateur writer, but I don’t think I’d use the verb “swept” to describe the actions of a virus that only killed 130 people. Give me a freakin’ break. 130 people? And it’s made its way through Asia, Europe, and Africa? I bet more people died jerkin’ off than from Bird Flu. What if 200 people died last year from drinking-straw related accidents? Would we call that a global killer?

The media shouldn’t even report on this stupid thing until it kills at least a thousand people. Maybe even two thousand. At least wait to report it until it kills more people than food poisoning.

2006-06-21T16:24:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-21

List of fictional expletives - via Wikipedia

My favorite is still "ass-clown."
Music Videos From the 80's

YouTube links for over 1,400 music videos from the 80's. Light up those Marlboro Reds and slip on that blue jean jacket and prepare to be rocked.
Leftover Father's Day Cards

Bookmark these for next year.
My Name Is Earl - The Album Coming Soon

A CD with both "East Bound and Down" and "It Takes Two?" This will stay in my CD player forever.
Connie Chung sings- via YouTube compliments of Leigh

Arrrrgh! Make it stop MAKE IT STOP!!!

Texas Boy

2006-06-21T01:55:00.000-05:00

In his new novel Everyman Philip Roth writes:

“But how much time could a man spend remembering the best of boyhood? What about enjoying the best of old age? Or was the best of old age just that—the longing for the best of boyhood…”

In my novel-in-progress I’ve appropriated as many stories and experiences from my childhood and teenage years as I could clearly remember. The protagonist of my story, a man in his early thirties, can’t seem to unwrap himself from the tangled mess of his youth. It occurred to me after reading and rereading those words by Roth, while simultaneously mulling over my personal writing process, that those “best” moments of youth, at least in my situation, are a little harder to categorize than those of Roth’s character’s.

I grew up in a tiny little Texas city, that till this day has yet to install even one traffic light. There’s no post office and only two “convenience” stores (if you consider paying double for every purchase because of overpricing convenient), and until several years ago the number of gravel roads far exceeded the number of paved ones. Boys learn to drink and drive at an early age, and the number of children who make it into college out of high school would make you weep.

In the midst of all this I had an atypical upbringing. My parents made a comfortable living as the owners of a large dairy farm, and they supplemented the farm income with a little accounting business, compliments of my father’s CPA license. As a young child, my parents read to me quite frequently, and I always had their support in all things academic.

With their support I learned to love books and learning in general (well, except for math), and I’ll always be indebted to them for all their support.

Unfortunately, of my many friends I was about the only one who had any of this foundational support from which to grow. I hung out with some pretty tough individuals, and witnessed some amazing stuff. As I remember things like watching guys vomit blood from alcohol poisoning, riding around on gravel roads seeing how dangerous we could drive without crashing, learning cute little rhymes like “liquor before beer you’re in the clear, beer before liquor never sicker,” and conning people into buying us underage hooligans cases of beer, I wonder whether to categorize any of that as “the best of boyhood.” Sure, loads of pure and wholesome things occurred, but those incidents of debauchery which occurred deep in the heart of Texas are the ones that I remember most clearly.

As I’ve said, I’m using the experiences of my early life as the inspiration and source material for a novel. It’s tough work, writing. But even tougher is parsing through the experiences of my formative years and analyzing them both for their entertainment value and their overall meaning and implications for adulthood.

All those years of drinking, fighting, and mischief-making are serving me in ways I never would have imagined. I’ve learned a lot about myself during this process, much more than I bargained for.

But I’m still not sure I’ve ever longed for those days past…and I doubt I ever will, but I’ll damn sure make use of them in any way I can.

Incidentally, if you want an idea of what life was like where I grew up just watch “My Name Is Earl.” I’ve played “beer-can-tag,” and I, too, am enamored with “Smokey and the Bandit”—I even owned a 1980 Trans Am for a while. Granted, things are a little less dark and scary on “Earl,” but we can’t watch that show without me screaming at the TV “I know that guy,” or “Good God, I did that too!”

No Willie Nelson References

2006-06-20T01:39:00.000-05:00

In the morning we leave Orange by way of I-10 for San Antonio. I don’t know if you’ve been watching the news, but we inhabitants of southeast Texas have been experiencing some mild rain showers the past few days. Apparently Houstonians had it much worse than us. While we had a few roads swamped they’ve had whole neighborhoods underwater.

Hopefully I-10’s pretty clear, ‘cause otherwise we’re goin’ puddle jumpin’ just like the Duke boys escaping from Roscoe. Yee-Haw!!!!

No link dump tomorrow, but expect a fresh post late in the evening. (translation—around midnight…maybe later)

2006-06-19T16:26:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-19

Messin' With Sasquatch- via YouTube

This is a version they couldn't air on T.V.
List of problems solved by MacGyver - via Wikipedia

MacGyver's my hero. Mostly because of that magnificent mullet.
10 Ways to Freak Out Your Date

Call me crazy, but I think number 3 looks mad comfortable.
Weapons collected during a knife amnesty in the UK- via BBC.co.uk

Ummm, I could be wrong, but I don't think number two is a knife.
Stephen Colbert and Congressman Lynn Westmoreland- via YouTube

Congressman Westmoreland co-sponsored a bill to require the display of the Ten Commandments in the House and Senate. Colbert asks him to name all ten. Hilarity ensues.

I'm Not Dead

2006-06-19T02:44:00.000-05:00

But thanks for worrying about me.

We're still in Orange bravely weathering the Old Testament-like rain that simply refuses to go away. It wouldn't be so bad if I had gills like Kevin Costner in "Waterworld," but since I'm not a human/fish hybrid things are a bit squishy.

I've tagged a few things for Monday's link dump. The Colbert video is especially nice, so be sure to check that out.

Normal bloggery will resume on Tuesday night when we get back to San Antonio, but while you’re waiting on me why not head over and check out Anniina’s blog. She’s over in England and blogging away.

Mobile Blog

2006-06-16T13:07:00.000-05:00

On the road to Orange. No bloggery till tonight.

2006-06-15T16:24:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-15

Police don't have to knock, justices say- via CNN.com

Well thank God for that. Those silly civil liberties just stand in the way of Big Bro...um, our protectorates from protecting us.
Bull's revenge- via YouTube

Sometimes nature strikes back...and rips your underwear off exposing your white butt in front of a stadium of people.
Kid, 12, bust thug's nose- via The Sun

He's the best...around. Nothing's ever gonna keep him down. He fought 'til the end, 'cause his life depended on the strength that he had inside him.
Mr. & Mrs. Brady- via YouTube

What if Mr. and Mrs. Brady behaved like Mr. and Mrs. Smith? Robot Chicken shows us...

How Ya Like Me NOW!

2006-06-14T23:29:00.000-05:00

I peruse news sites for a variety of reasons: information, advice, recipes, updates on technological innovations, etc. Sometimes I use the information from news stories as the impetus to spur personal introspection which helps me become a better all-around person.

Like this story. It’s about a level-headed disciplinarian from Japan who took a very hands-on approach with an unruly student. I’m hoping to teach a composition class in the fall, and I’m always looking at different pedagogical stances. I’m looking forward to employing this guy’s approach to dealing with apathetic students. Here’s my favorite quote from the article: “The next day, the student was again late to practice and the teacher warned him once more. The student began to sulk prompting the teacher to punch him in the face.”

Read that? The teacher punched his student in the face. You wanna know why? The kid showed up late for class, and for that he just slugged the little creep. How great is that? I’m betting that kid showed up the next day ten minutes early with bells on.

We should take this practice out of the classroom. Actually, I’m thinking we should do away with the outdated notion of civility altogether, and just institute a general policy of unadulterated violence instead. If teachers can punch students in the face then when the morons at Taco Bell screw up my order I should be able to punch them in the face too.

In fact, we should have a “punch someone in the face” day. It would be grand. Hallmark could sell a card that said “I bet you thought no one cared” and then when they opened it they would see a blank page. When they looked up at you quizzically you could punch them directly in the face.

Just an aside, but I think that after you punch someone in the face a law should require you to scream “How ya like me NOW!” If you don’t yell “How ya like me NOW” you’d be vulnerable to a lawsuit, otherwise you could go around punching people in the face all day with no repercussions.

Just to clarify: I’m not advocating impromptu fighting. That’d be chaotic and slightly un-democratic. All you get is one punch, and if you’re the punchee, well, just suck it up and take it like an American.

2006-06-14T16:24:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-14

Stephen Hawking says space colonies needed - via Yahoo! News

I don't know about you, but I see this as good news. I'm gonna buy me a Firefly class spaceship and cruise the black with my group of rag-tag shipmates.
Coach Wanders Into Wrong Dorm Room- via wfrv.com

And ironically, the room he mistook for his own contained two high school girls. Apparently, they didn’t want to share their bed with him. Kids nowadays are spoiled, aren’t they?
Larry the Cable Guy Revealed- via YouTube

Dan "Larry" Whitney actually comes from a well-off family from Nebraska. He only started doing the "Cable Guy" bit while doing stand-up in Flordia. This was filmed well before the "Git R Done" nonsense.

You'll Just Have To Wait

2006-06-14T00:36:00.000-05:00

Ugh. Tired. No bloggery-bloggin’ tonight. You’ll get a link dump tomorrow at the normal time, and I’ll have a full post ready for your enjoyment later in the evening.

2006-06-13T16:21:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-13

"Lose the Fish" by Jay Pinkerton- via Cracked.com

Aquaman pitches his script to a couple of Hollywood moguls. Things do not go well for Arthur. (That's right, I know Aquaman's real name...how ya like me now?)
Borat Movie Trailer- via YouTube

Dear Lord, I do love me some Borat. How can you resist a man who wears a swimsuit like that?
Clinton links GOP policies to more storms - Yahoo! News

You mean to tell me that environmental changes could cause the number of hurricanes to rise? Crap. And here I was thinking that gays, feminists, and nudie bars were the reasons that Katrina ripped up the gulf coast.
Animator vs. Animation

I remember a Loony Tunes cartoon similar to this.

PICK UP THE PHONE!!!

2006-06-13T00:35:00.000-05:00

This article, about our growing propensity to hang up the phone without saying good-bye, reminded me of a friend’s mother who was probably the most ill-mannered telephone user I ever knew.

After high school when most of my friends had moved out of their parents homes I still had one friend who absolutely refused to get his own place. Buckie was the youngest child from a family of five, and his mother babied him terribly, but not in a nurturing kind of way. She tended to scream and curse at him, all while washing his dirty clothes and making him dinner. Their relationship was made even more comical by their physical appearances: Buckie stood about 6’7” and towered over everyone he met, while his mother barely broke the five foot mark.

Even more humorous was the fact that since Buckie was in fact the third male in his family with the name “Buckie,” his family added the prefix “Lil” to differentiate him from his father and grandfather. I used to love calling Buckie early in the morning just to listen to his mother scream like a banshee for him to wake up and pick up the phone: “Lil BUUUCKIEEEEEE! PICK UP THE PHONE!” She would scream and scream, and I knew she never got up from the couch, but instead relied on her shrill, screechy voice to wake up her boorish son. If you want an idea of what she sounded like, pinch your nostrils together and then try to scream; now magnify that by 100 and you have a weak duplicate.

Inevitably, after several minutes of her nausea-inducing voice I’d hear Buckie’s grumpy response, “Shit, mom. Stop yellin’! I’m getting the damn thing!” Sometimes I’d hang up just as he picked up the phone.

The worst thing about his mother was that she could track Buckie like a damn bloodhound, and she never hesitated to call my house to remind him of the most trivial tasks he had failed to complete. She also never said “hello,” “goodbye,” or “thank you” on the telephone. Just about every time Buckie stopped by my house, at some point during his visit the phone would ring, I’d answer, and the conversation would go something like this:

Me: Hello?
Buckie’s Mom: You forgot to take out the trash lil Buckie!
Me: Um, this is Mark. Hang on and…
Buckie’s Mom: So get your ass home and take this shit outside!
Me: Yeah. This is Mark. I’ll get…
Buckie’s Mom: ‘Cause if it’s still in the kitchen when I get back from town I ain’t cooking you dinner tonight!
Me: Okay. I’ll tell Buckie…
<click>

Occasionally I’d make Buckie answer the phone since I knew who was calling. He hated the fact that his mother would hang up on him at the end of their conversations, and invariably he’d be talking and all at once he would exclaim, “SonuvaBITCH! She hung up on me again!”

One time after she hung up on him Buckie called her back and said, “Hey mom?” and when she said “Yeah?” he immediately slammed down the phone.

2006-06-12T16:26:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-12

Scaredy Bear
KKK Rallies at Civil War Battlefield- via Aol News compliments of Leigh

And people say social activism is dead.
Dumbfounded- via YouTube

I'm pretty sure that Best Buy doesn't know about this video. Actually, this guy's pretty tech-savvy in comparison to the other Geek Squad nitwits.
Loss of natural teeth by state

I'm not sure why I tagged this, but I find it interesting.

Holiday Road

2006-06-12T00:08:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow we set out towards Waco to visit my parents for the next few days. Then we’ll travel to Orange to visit with Leigh’s parents.

I’m usually able to blog while we’re away, so continue to check back. You’ll get a link dump tomorrow as per usual.

2006-06-11T16:23:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-11

Star Trek vs. Star Wars- via YouTube

This is the kind of thing that could cause a nerd to experience a nocturnal emission.
The Sequel Showdown- via Washingtonpost.com

I like sequels. Whether the actual movie entertains me or I have fun bashing the hell out of it, I'm entertained either way.
Bob Saget from The Aristocrats- via YouTube WARNING- If bad language offends you do not watch Bob Saget in this video!!!

Ummm, if you were suprised and disgusted by the "Rollin' with Saget" video then you DO NOT want to watch this video with Bob's version of the Aristocrats joke. I love the gestures Bob uses to illustrate the size of the guy's penis.
It's Coming...
Recipe for Make Your Own Granola - via KOA.com

Mmmmmm, granola. Look, I can post recipes if I wanna. I don't care if it's not very manly. It's my site and if you don't like it you can kiss my grits.

No More Augmentation For Me, But Thanks For Asking

2006-06-11T01:15:00.000-05:00

In a story at Yahoo I read that nearly a quarter of people between the ages of 18-50 have some sort of tattoo. Man, that’s a lot of barbed-wired biceps and blazing-sunned lower backs, ain’t it?

In my younger days I briefly considered getting a tattoo, but I finally came to realize that if I couldn’t even stick with the idea of a specific design for more than a week I probably shouldn’t get it drawn permanently into my skin.

After I read that statistic I’m kinda glad I resisted the urge to get a tat. I thought tattoos were cool because they represented something of a counter-culture; a way to show the world that I refused to conform to their arbitrary rules and conventions. But now that a quarter of our culture has them they’ve become part of the norm. They’re now conventional, and since I really only wanted one to freak out the straights that takes all the fun out of it for me.

I'm a little jealous of people who possess the certainty to get a tattoo. Maybe if I had something truly meaningful to express I’d think about paying an overweight parolee to tattoo it on my body, but as it is I think a full color tattoo of a book or a computer splayed across my back would look a tad silly.

And if I’m being honest I should also admit that I’m still a little sore over the whole earring thing. I mean, I played along and got not one, but two, in my left ear. Not the right ear, mind you, because I was told that only gay guys got earrings in the right ear, and God forbid I send out the wrong signals. So, to firmly assert my masculinity within my clique of “friends” I got two holes punched into my left ear and promptly hung two dangly earrings from them, just like George Michael in the “I Want Your Sex” video. You know, to prove how tough I was.

In retrospect it occurs to me that this may have been a joke perpetuated by gay guys to determine the lengths to which they could push the homophobes of the 80’s into doing dumb-ass stunts just to prove their supposed heterosexuality. I would find this notion extremely funny were it not for the holes in my ears.

Anyhow, I’m not falling for any more trends which involve minor surgery. Well, I take that back. When bionic implants and adamantium-laced skeletons become available I’ll be the first in line, but I’m sure you already expected that.

2006-06-10T16:20:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-10

Rollin with Bob Saget Music Video - Unedited!- via YouTube

Bob's the illiest motherfucker in a cardigan sweater.
The Ultimate Chuck Norris Comeback
Give Us All Your Money

Ummmm, don't do it?
Maybe Brownie did do a heckuva job?- via CNN.com

Chertoff, Brown, Bush: as far as I'm concerned they're all a bunch of know-nothing buttholes. They act like a group of twelve year old boys that got caught throwing rocks through the school's gymnasium windows. He did it! Nuh-uh! You did! You made me!

What To Do, What To Do?

2006-06-10T01:23:00.000-05:00

By now we’ve all heard the news concerning the death of Zarqawi. I’m a little conflicted about how I should feel about it…or rather, how I should feel about the implications it presents for the further effort in Iraq.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m as glad as the next guy that they killed the trouser-snake, but I’m not real sure if this hurts or helps us. I suppose that pretty much depends on how al Qaeda functions.

If, for instance, al Qaeda functions much like other militaristic hierarchical organizations, then killing this guy should have a noticeable effect on the war in Iraq. That is, if they operate much like our military then killing Zarqawi would be analogous to killing General John Abizaid. His death would throw the whole chain of command into an upheaval and leave all members quite vulnerable for a limited period of time. This would be a very good thing.

On the other hand, if al Qaeda behaves more similarly to gangs or packs of dogs, then this death means very little, because there are most likely a small group of men already vying for the vacant position. Think of a group of bullies in a school-yard; if you make the head-bully sit in the hall for roughhousing then the gang doesn’t fall apart. His best friend, the second most sadistic personality in the group, simply takes over and continues kicking the nerds in the nuts and pulling the girls hair as soon as the initial leader leaves the playground.

In my mind there are only two ways we’ll ever truly defeat al Qaeda:

1) We completely dismiss them no matter what they do and go about our business. This is how you beat any trouble-maker. In the end all they want is attention; take that away and they have no purpose in life. Unfortunately, they like to kill large masses of people to get attention, so that’s gonna be a problem for us. Ignoring IEDs is pretty hard.

2) Completely and utterly annihilate the Middle East. I’m talkin’ about just reducin’ the whole area to a crystallized layer of glass, causalities be dammed. Because if al Qaeda does operate like a gang, then just like decapitating the Hydra every time we kill one of their top operatives another one will appear. And unlike the Hydra the new guy will undoubtedly use the death of his predecessor as the impetus with which to rally his troops. (Hydras are kinda dumb)

Now, I don’t know about you, but I’m not completely comfortable with committing genocide. I‘d probably have indigestion for, like, a week or so. I’m also not ready to just sit around waiting for al Qaeda to get bored with killing our civilians.

Somehow we gotta get al Qaeda fighting with someone else besides us, but to do that we first need to remove ourselves from the forefront of their vision. Let’s spend the next six months aggressively fighting the insurgency, all the while telling the Iraqis that we’re leaving at the end of six months. At the end of those six months we pull out quickly and efficiently, while simultaneously publicly reporting that the Iraqi government is just as kick-ass and democratic as the U.S.

By the time we leave we’ll have stirred up al Qaeda like a nest of hornets and they’ll be ready to fight anyone with a uniform. And who’ll they see with uniforms? That’s right…the Iraqis. Hopefully after a few months of machine gun fire and dirty bombs the al Qaeda guys will have forgotten all about us, allowing our culture to return to our national pastime of getting and spending. After several more months all the gung-ho a-holes will have killed each other off, leaving us with the perfect opportunity to introduce the remaining Iraqis to the wonders of Wal-Mart, Lowe’s, and Super-sized combo meals.

Who knows, in several decades we might find ourselves ordering totally cool imported movies from www.amazon.iq or listening to fresh tunes from www.itunes.iq.

2006-06-09T16:20:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-09

Ferrari vs. Ferrari vs Fiat- via YouTube

"Can a Ferrari 575 catch up to a Fiat hatckback after a 31-second head start in a single-lap track race? Better still, can an F1 car catch up to both after waiting 1:27?" Stick with it. The scene at the end is the money-shot.
Yoda Plush Backpack- via ThinkGeek

I hope you have room left on my Christmas list, because this one goes right underneath the cooler-cart.
10 flagrant grammar mistakes that make you look stupid - via ZDNet UK Insight

Stop...it's grammar time.
Woman Attacked Dog Breeder With Dead Chihuahua, Cops Say- via FOXNews.com

"A woman angry that her new puppy had died pushed her way into a dog breeder's home and repeatedly hit her on the head with the dead Chihuahua, authorities said." Notice that I resisted any temptation to reference the Dead Parrot Sketch.
Oh My!- via Flickr

Well...thank God for that.
Joss Whedon is my Master Now- via ThinkGeek.com

They've even dropped the price from $12.99 to 9.99.
From Jesus to Waco: "Monkey Steals Peaches" & "Why do i have a german teacher?math is already hard"

Please Get Involved

2006-06-09T13:02:00.000-05:00

For all of us that live in the 20th and 21st districts of Texas (San Antonio) our congressmen, Charles Gonzalez and Lamar Smith, voted against the amendment to bill HR 5252 which would have guaranteed internet neutrality. In doing so they ultimately gave the telecoms permission to create a virtual fast-lane for companies with the purse to pay their prices, leaving everyone else, blogs included, to fend for ourselves.

This is a very, very bad thing people.

Let me say that again, in even more succinct terms: We’re fucked.

I’ve already called Congressman Gonzalez’s district office to verify his vote and express my dismay, and written a letter to Congressman Smith’s. I encourage you do to the same.

For God’s sake, get involved. They think that constituents either don’t care or don’t understand the issue, so they vote in favor of the telecoms that’ve spent billions lobbying Washington.

Dammit, don’t let’em throw a monkey-wrench in the net, too.

Unreliable Blogger

2006-06-09T02:53:00.000-05:00

I think Blogger’s working now, but I’m much too tired to actually post anything. You’ll get a link dump at the normal time, assuming that Blogger continues to function properly.

2006-06-08T16:22:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-08

Funeral Director Accused Of Hiding Baby's Body In Man's Pants- via The Denverchannel.com

"The Texas Funeral Service Commission said a woman accused of hiding a baby's body in the pants of a man's corpse for cremation should lose her funeral director's license." You mean hiding babies in your pants is illegal? Damn.
Puppies vs. Cat- via YouTube

Quailty Customer Service

2006-06-08T15:14:00.000-05:00

If you’ve tried to access this page earlier today you’ve no doubt experienced problems loading it. Not my fault. Supposedly, the ninny-chuckleheads at Blogger are working on it.

You also may have noticed that I failed to post a link dump yesterday. Again, not my fault. I only realized it didn’t post later in the evening, and I’m surmising that the failure had something to do with Blogger since I haven’t changed any settings over at Delicious.

Hopefully they’ll get this thing fixed today.

I guess I get what I pay for with Blogger.

There Will Come A Day When Youth Will Pass Away, Then What Will They Say About Me?

2006-06-08T01:13:00.000-05:00

I like to pretend that I’m not rapidly nearing the thirty year mark. I shave my side-burns almost level with my ears, because if I let them grow any lower the hair turns gray. I try to ignore the fact that I now get heartburn as frequently as my dad. I like to imagine that I’m current with the new and ground-breaking bands, although when no one’s looking I crank up the hairbands and dream of days gone past when wearing white acid-washed jeans made me look cool (they still would, dammit).

But last night I saw something that just straight up made me feel old. I saw David Lee Roth perform a bluegrass rendition of the song “Jump” on the Leno show. Let me repeat that: Diamond Dave sang the best song from the Van Halen album 1984 as a country tune. Here’s a video of it from YouTube. (It might get pulled for copyright infringement…if it does I’ll find another copy).

Adblock

I’m thankful that I watched it sober, because if I had been drunk the mere sight of that would have rendered me unconscious. Even completely sober I had to fight the urge to claw my eyes out.

Tired Blogger

2006-06-06T23:02:00.000-05:00

No bloggery tonight. Too sleepy. See you tomorrow.

2006-06-06T16:20:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-06

Pilot Grabs Snake, Lands Plane- via WAVE3.com

"Snakes on a Plane"...based on a true story.
The New Lies About Women's Health- via Glamour.com

"Political groups tell them, the government buys them—and worst of all, your doctor may pass them on to you. Alarmed? You should be." Just enough to almost make you sick. (warning: a picture of a woman's buttocks adorns the page)
Lady Killer T-Shirt

Gets the ladies running...away from you, that is.
Kitten vs Mac- via YouTube

That's an expensive Kitty toy.

Garbage In, Garbage Out

2006-06-06T02:23:00.000-05:00

Some of you may have noticed something of a dearth of politically motivated posts on the blog. I have several convincing answers as to why, but truthfully, I’m tired of reading the news and even more tired of writing about it.

Several of my friends support the current administration, and more specifically Bush, and that’s fine. The closer the friend the more the relationship can handle vehement disagreement, I always say. I know that they want the best for our society just as I do, so in the end I find it hard to hold their political beliefs against them. See, I think that once you break through the talking points and our collective cognitive dissonance, most people do want a society where everyone gets along. I truly believe that.

Unfortunately, I don’t feel the same way about any of our political leaders. None of them. They benefit from a divided constituency. It prevents us from realizing how shitty they are. I hold out hope for a few, but the moment I think I’ve got a lock on one of them they do a McCain and go hang out with Falwell. Money talks and bullshit walks, and apparently all of us commoners talk lotsa bullshit, because the politicians continually walk away from us and towards the money.

On the right you have the Bible-thumpers; ready to disregard the first scientist they see as a God-less secularist, and more concerned with the sexual peccadilloes of their neighbor than with the ethical implications of their dubious stock exchange trading habits. These waspy yo-yos seem to forget that one of the reasons Luther wrote those 95 theses was that he believed in the priesthood of all believers, meaning that each person possesses the ability to interpret scripture and attain salvation without the need of an intermediary. So why do the zealots now want to intermediate on everything they can? You yahoos can’t legislate morality, because whether you like it or not morality is not an absolute…it’s entirely subjective. What makes you nauseous makes lots of folks pretty damn excited, and vice versa. So back off, you self-righteous assholes.

Standing opposed to the right’s religious zealots, and lined up like the armies in Braveheart, are the left’s kooky socialists. Thankfully, they don’t care what you do behind your closed door, just as long as you don’t draw on those sexual taboos we all love to engage in to write a book, program a video game, or shoot a movie. Because God forbid a child get their hands on some porn. Oddly, opposing “pornography” (I quote the term because they use it for a variety of genres, not just sexual) seems to be the only subject the lefties agree on. They sure don’t agree on the war, they don’t agree on fiscal issues, and they try to sell themselves to the public as the Not-GOP Party. That’s how opaque these dummies have become. They define themselves not by what they believe in, but simply against their opponents. Give us some substance you shitheads.

I’ll list the one thing I find most disconcerting about the political parties, in their current incarnations.

Republicans: The irrational belief that the assessment of contemporary citizens means very little; instead they claim to make such broad changes and bold moves that only future historians will possess the ability to judge them. Give me a fucking break. This is more of that religious zealotry nonsense, because what they really mean is that God will judge them not other humans. First off, they need to read up on the Magna Carta-1215 (that’s the only date I can ever remember). Second, I’m pretty sure that if the republicans had ran on a platform of “Doing God’s Work And Not Yours” in the elections that they would have suffered a defeat greater than William Hung on American Idol. Look, even Reagan came out and admitted he sold arms to Iran, so enough with the not caring what people think crapola. Own up to your mistakes and serve the whole country, and not just the white Protestants that voted your party into power.

Democrats: They have no plan. None. Nothing. Nada. “We’re not Bush.” That’s their whole plan. People like Hillary and Lieberman are the worst. They worry so much about appealing to the same crowd as the GOP that they have no substance at all. But then, when the Democrats find someone like Howard Dean (who’s kind of a bad example ‘cause he’s batshit insane) who truly espouses some new and thought-provoking ideas they criticize them and call them things like “radical” or “retarded.” Get it together you nimrods. Democrats should be screaming at the top of their lungs about the shoddy science classes taught in public schools, the ridiculousness of ID, the harmful effects of the Right’s intrusion into women’s health, global warming, and the sheer level of corruption in the Republican party. What do they do instead? Bitch about video games. Go on talk shows and sound stupid. Everyone’s talking about mid-term elections, but I have no doubt that the Democrats will figure out someway to mess that up, too.

Morons, the lot of’em.

So instead of getting my feathers all in a ruffle I take pictures of myself dressed up like a Ninja. I watch Adam Sandler and Jack Black movies, or I go with Leigh and Ellie for a walk. I can’t think about it too much, because I lack the ability to ignore bullshit from either side. Which, I guess, makes me a bad voter.

I so wish that I lived in a time where we looked to our political leaders as ideals of human achievement. I would love to watch a presidential address and not feel cynical or cheated.

Oh well. Let me go find my ninja mask…

2006-06-05T16:20:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-05

Home Shopping Network Mishap- via YouTube

This is an oldie but a goodie.
Average Homeboy- via VideoSift

It boggles the mind that Average Homeboy never made it big. Dope rhymes + amazing mullet= entertainment.

Some Ninja-ing Required

2006-06-05T00:46:00.000-05:00

Sometimes people ask me how I decide what to write each night, where I get my ideas, and generally how I achieve all this bloggery goodness.

Okay, no one asks me that. But if they did, I’d tell them that it’s magic and to quit bothering me. I’m far too busy to answer dumbass questions like that.

However, I will gladly explain my process for fixing the HTML and CSS coding that comprises the backbone of the blog. I have a very precise series of steps I follow when something breaks.

1. I swear. Loudly and vulgarly. Occasionally with accompanying hand gestures. This step has yet to actually fix anything, but I feel that it’s a vital piece of the process nonetheless.

2. I threaten the computer with a ninja star. Most coding problems crumble at the mere sight of the ninja star. If they withstand the might of the ninja star I immediately proceed to step three.

3. Leigh whips out the katana, and let me tell you, she does more than threaten the problem with it. 99 percent of the time the problem admits defeat at the first glimpse of my wife with a sword. For those truly tenacious problems I proceed to step four, my secret weapon.

4. Nothing…and I mean NOTHING, withstands Ellie in the ninja mask. Ellie dons the mask and BAM, HTML problem solved.

So there you have it. That’s how I go about fixing coding problems on the blog. Feel free to use my four step problem-solving process the next time you find yourself in a bind. I use it for coding, but I’m sure you could apply this to everyday problems as well. Cashier refusing to accept your coupon? I’m sure a ninja star would appropriately persuade him. Get caught speeding? Even cops are intimidated by the katana. Mugger threatening to steal your valuables? He’ll poop his pants when a ninja masked Ellie comes charging down that dark alleyway.

P.S. I can hear the collective "I want my own ninja mask!" from all you readers. Well, here's a very good how-to video. Just remember, a ninja mask is a very big responsibility. Use it wisely.

2006-06-04T16:20:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-04

The Coolest Thing I Have Ever Seen

God...if you love me, make someone buy me this for Christmas. No, not Christmas. That's too long to wait. I need this now.
Kung fu fan tries to stop train

Some meddling police officers pulled him off the tracks, so we'll never know if he could have done it or not. Damn policemen.
Triumph The Insult Weatherman- via YouTube

The fools at channel eight in Hawaii actually let Triumph deliver the weather live.
Obi Wan Interested In Buying A Car- via YouTube

It would have been so much better if Obi-Wan had attempted to use the Jedi-mind trick to get a lower price.

You’re Going To The Mental Institution

2006-06-03T17:45:00.000-05:00

I’m sure you’re still reeling from the awesome majesty of today’s link dump, so I’ll make this quick.

After I wrote my post on “The Break-Up” I read Collin Souter’s article on great break-up movies over at Hollywoodbitchslap, and it brought to mind some terrific movies I’d forgotten about.

Since we’ve all dealt with heartache in one form or another, I feel sure that each of us empathizes with the characters in these movies in our own personal way.

For some reason I feel a kind of kinship with the great Robbie Hart; a brotherhood through hatred if you will. I’m sure that all of us do. Take it away Robbie:

Adblock

2006-06-03T16:20:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-03

Spaceys Awards J. Hasbien Talent Agency- via YouTube

Helping find jobs for out of work sci-fi characters. Very funny stuff. The video looks like something that SNL would have done back when it was still funny.
PATRIOTIC POSTERS - via WHITEHOUSE.ORG

My favorite? "American doesn't torture..."freedom tickles" get the job done!"
Proof that God does make mistakes

I mean, how else to you explain Robertson's absence?
Woman Hit By Lightning While Praying-WSBTV.com

"She said 'Amen' and the room was engulfed in a huge ball of fire." I guess God figured that hints like hurricanes, tsunamis, and Dick Cheney were far too subtle. Time to Zeus it up a bit. Personally, I welcome a vengeful God with an itchy trigger finger.
Spider-Man 3 Pictures

More pics from the new Spidey movie. Compliments of Leigh.
Amazing Photoshopped Images

Fantastic images. Some of the ads might be NSFW.
DREAM KITCHENS FOR EVERYONE- via IKEA

Let it load up, and then use your mouse to move the picture to the left or right. It's worth the wait.
An index of 300 full length TV shows on YouTube

I do love the pirates! Aaaarr!
The Shakespeare Book of Lists- A Collection of 150 everyday expressions coined by Shakespeare

This is interesting, but the absence of citations is maddening.

This Movie Was So Money

2006-06-03T01:32:00.000-05:00

We took in a matinee today and saw “The Break-Up,” and as I’ve said before, I do love me a matinee in the summertime. There’s just something about escaping from the hateful Texas sun into a dark, cool room, and allowing yourself a respite from the mundane for an hour and twenty.

Normally I wait until after we see a movie to read reviews, and after the movie today I felt genuinely surprised by what I read. I had to check the headlines just to make sure I’d seen the same movie as the reviewers. Many simply thought it was mediocre, and quite a few thought it was downright dreadful.

Maybe they went in expecting the Vince Vaughn character from “Old School” or “Wedding Crashers:” the smarmy smart-ass with a libido the size of Asia and an answer for everything. That guy’s not in this movie.

Instead we get a Vince Vaughn much closer to the one in “Swingers.” Just like “Trent” from “Swingers” Vince’s “Gary” comes across as cock-sure and slightly arrogant, but in a way which suggests that just underneath the quips and wisecracks hides a vulnerable and scared man. Gary just seems like a more grown-up and slightly more restrained version of Trent, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. I know guys that act like those two characters, which makes watching them endure hardships or moments of emotional turmoil particularly hard.

I also found moments of “The Break-Up” difficult to watch; in particular several of the arguments between Gary and Aniston’s Brook. I’ve had those same arguments and felt the same exasperation and anger that those two convey, and maybe that’s why so many reviewers responded negatively to the film. There’s something slightly voyeuristic about watching Vaughn and Aniston fight, particularly since for the most part the dialogue remains grounded in reality.The film chooses to slightly exaggerate the tumultuousness and uncertainty of break-ups, and I can see how some people might find the cringe-factor of that off-putting. We’ve all went through a break-up, and I feel sure that more than a few of us went through one even more nasty than the one portrayed in the film.

The only thing I disliked was how little screen-time Jon Favreau shared with Vince Vaughn. If those two only appeared in films with one another from here on out I’d be a happy guy. They’ve got the intimate rapport and the energetic banter that only best friends share. Just watch them in this clip from “Swingers.” (FYI- A scene almost identical to this one appears in “The Break-Up” between Vaughn and Cole Hauser)

Seriously, if you’ve never seen “Swingers” or “Made” you should turn off the computer immediately and run to the nearest videostore. You’ll see Jon Favreau and Vince Vaughn at their hitherto best. Then go see “The Break-Up.” I feel sure you won’t be disappointed.

2006-06-02T16:20:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-06-02

I didn't realize it was election time already.
School of Rock Remixed- via YouTube

This one's actually pretty creepy.
Four Librarians Finally Break Silence in Records Case - New York Times

More good news.
TV Confrontations- via YouTube

Oddly, the best one occurs between Marc "DoubleDare" Summers and Burt Reynolds.

My Young Son

2006-06-01T01:02:00.000-05:00

Before reading any further click here, quickly read the description below the video, and then watch the video. Give it time…your patience will be reward (besides it’s only six minutes.)

Okay. Back? Good. Let us proceed.

Am I the only one a little bit tired of the whole “we gotta protect the kids” branch of extremism? Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for protecting kids from reasonable things like insane gunmen, bees, bird flu, avocado smoothies, Bubble tea, and Jennifer Lopez movies. Beyond that you pretty much just hope that the values and morals you’ve so diligently instilled in your kids will lead them down a level path.

Once your children start leaving the home without the constant supervision of a parent, guardian, teacher, etc, they are truly beyond your control. When that time comes your only recourse is to pray that you’ve provided them with the tools needed to stay safe and make smart choices.

That said, kids will eventually see nudie pictures. It’s gonna happen. So let’s quit panicking about how they may or may not eventually google the terms “boobies” or “ass.” I’ll save you the time: They will…no doubt about it. Especially if they’re boys. So let’s not cripple the computers at libraries with monitoring programs just because someone might see a naked boobie, okey-dokey? Your job is to teach them how to deal with the boobies once they see them, so quit relying on external sources to compensate for your lack of instruction.

Enough of the soap-box. How funny was it that the investigative news team caught a thirty-year-old man with a ‘70’s porn mustache kneading the old dough, instead of a young kid ruining his mind with net porn? Good gracious. And then the library let the guy back in? And he promptly proceeded to do the exact same thing? Priceless.

But the hilarity continued, didn’t it? Just when you thought it couldn’t get any funnier the reporter decided to confront the man’s parents. Now, if their middle-aged kid feels comfortable masturbating in a public library, just how sophisticated did they expect the parents to be? I couldn’t help but think of this clip when I saw the angry father threatening to pummel the reporter.

If he would’ve said “I happen to have my young son in the yard, and I don’t wanna hear that kinda language” I probably would have peed myself.

2006-05-31T16:20:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-05-31

Jar Barf- via YouTube

Lazy Blogger

2006-05-31T00:31:00.000-05:00

No bloggery. I'm takin' the night off. Expect a link dump on Wednesday at the normal time.

2006-05-30T16:20:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-05-30

Sean Connery > Lex Luthor- via YTMND.com

I find this funny. I do not know why.
World War II Poster Collection- viaNorthwestern University Library

"The Government and Geographic Information and Data Services Department at Northwestern University Library has a comprehensive collection of over 300 posters issued by U.S. Federal agencies from the onset of war through 1945."
GovTrack

A monitoring service that allows you to track individual congressmen, bills, and just about everything else that goes on in the congress. I'm not sure if my psyche could take this, though.
Ex-Portsmouth sheriff out of office but still under scrutiny- viaThe Virginian-Pilot

You mean you can't take inmates off of public jobs and have them do your chores? Tell that to a friend of mine who used to work as a deputy of a county sheriffs dept. I don't think he ever mowed his softball field the whole time he had that job.

Sign Up Here

2006-05-30T02:35:00.000-05:00

At the gym we go to there are a line of television sets directly in front of the treadmills, and each one plays a different program. Most gyms I’ve worked out at have the same set up: rows of treadmills, stair-steppers, stationary bikes, and elliptical machines all facing a row of muted, close-captioned televisions. You know, to keep your mind off the fact that you’re actually exercising.

Anyway, most days I try to run on the machines closest to the T.V. tuned to CNN, because I’m addicted to news and if I’m gonna be running in place for thirty minutes or so I don’t want to stare at FOXNews the whole time. That’d just throw my heart rate all off kilter.

Today I got stuck on the machine closest to the T.V. playing the Jerry Springer show. I haven’t actually watched the Jerry Springer show for several years, but not out of some elitist mind-set or anything. I just didn’t think it aired anymore. That show’s great isn’t it? It’s the television equivalent of going to a county fair: no matter how bad your life sucks, at least you know you’ll see a group of people with problems that make yours look quaint. Kinda like going to Wal-Mart after midnight.

After watching the entire episode it occurred to me that I’d like to get some friends together and send in an application to appear on the show. We could concoct an outlandish story full of adultery and incest, and before we appear we could choreograph some fight moves so that we’d be good and prepared come show-time.

The way I figure it, we could conceivable pull off a couple of body slams or a few spinning kicks before the indomitable Steve interfered. And if we choreographed the whole thing properly we’d only need a few seconds to do something really impressive. If you think about it, the typical guest on that show rarely does anything truly awesome. They may tackle each other or begin slapping each other wind-mill style, but I’ve never seen anyone do something really, really cool.

The women are the worst. They talk a big game, but come go-time they usually just pull hair and claw at one another. How cliché. What we need are two females who know how to fight, and we could come up with something really cool for them to do.

Just imagine: Two girls sitting up on that dais, and one says “Bitch, the next time I come home from havin’ an abortion and find out you been sleepin’ with my boyfriend it’s yo ass!” The other replies, “You know what ho? He’s actually yo brutha, and I’ll damn well sleep with’em whenever I wanna!” Then they jump up and run at each other, and right before they meet in the middle of the stage one of them launches into a tornado kick, but because we’ve rehearsed the fight the defender knows it’s coming, so she ducks out of it and sets up for a hip-throw. She throws her attacker, who immediately rolls out of the throw, and then they square off in preparation for the amazed, but impressed, security guards to restrain them.

Wouldn’t that be fun? We’d be the coolest Jerry Springer guests ever…although that’s not saying a whole lot.

2006-05-29T16:20:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-05-29

Ceiling Cat
Anyone looking for a Christmas gift for me?

"I was standing on my toilet hanging a clock, the porcelain was wet, I slipped, hit my head on the sink and when I came to I had a revelation...A vision...A picture in my head. Of this:"
Superhero/Renaissance Art mashup photoshop contest- via Worth1000
Greg Giraldo Vs. Denis Leary on Tough Crowd- via YouTube

I watched this episode when it originally aired and it became very uncomfortable. You're seeing just a bit of the back and forth between Giraldo and Leary here. The segment ends when Colin "Marblemouth" Quinn steps in and goes to commercial.
The music video for Green Jelly's "Three Little Pigs."-via YouTube

Memorial Day

2006-05-29T00:23:00.000-05:00

I know that I posted this exact same thing last Memorial Day, but everything I try to write about Memorial Day sounds trite and false. For a day like Memorial Day you really need to hear from a voice of experience; someone who actually knows what it feels like to live in a constant state of fear for their life, and to watch in terror as friends die for a cause greater than themselves.

Unfortunately for you, I am not that man.

The poem below is by Yusef Komunyakaa. He published it in 1988, and while the subject matter of the poem deals with the feelings of a Vietnam veteran many of our current service men and women will no doubt experience similar emotions later in life…God be with them.

Facing It

My black face fades,
hiding inside the black granite.
I said I wouldn’t
dammit: No tears.
I’m stone. I’m flesh.
My clouded reflection eyes me
like a bird of prey, the profile of night
slanted against morning. I turn
this way—the stone lets me go.
I turn that way—I’m inside
the Vietnam Veterans Memorial
again, depending on the light
to make a difference.
I go down the 58,022 names,
half-expecting to find
my own in letters like smoke.
I touch the name Andrew Johnson;
I see the booby trap’s white flash.
Names shimmer on a woman’s blouse
but when she walks away
the names stay on the wall.
Brushstrokes flash, a red bird’s
wings cutting across my stare.
The sky. A plane in the sky.
A white vet’s image floats
closer to me, then his pale eyes
look through mine. I’m a window.
He’s lost his right arm
inside the stone. In the black mirror
a woman’s trying to erase names:
No, she’s brushing a boys’ hair.

2006-05-28T16:20:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-05-28

The 25 Worst Tech Products of All Time- via PCWorld.com

AOL's number one! Yay for AOL. That's in your FACE Prodigy and Compuserve.
William Shatner blows $20K for a contestant- via YouTube

Shatner screws up on $25,000 Pyramid and then proceeds to go ballastic.
A Walk Around the Giza Pyramids

"A three hour, on-foot journey around the Giza pyramids, time-compressed into less than thirty seconds."
A tip for the hurricane season: Try to have some kind of a clue by Dave Barry- via Miami Herald.

"The 2006 hurricane season is here, and if you're a resident of Florida, you know what that means: It means you have the IQ of bean dip. If you had any working brain cells, by now you'd have moved to some less risky place, such as Iraq."
How to bake bread, the Subway way - a photoset on Flickr

X-Complaining

2006-05-28T02:06:00.000-05:00

In my review of X-men I stated that I thought the movie suffered under Brett Ratner’s direction. I claimed that Ratner either doesn’t care about character driven movies or he lacks the skill to properly direct one.

Of course, the ticket sales for the movie pretty much indicate that audiences don’t really give a damn about that sort of thing, especially considering that almost every other critic out there pretty much agrees with my assessment.

I just read a little post about the movie over at Comics Continuum, and when asked about the possibility for a sequel this is what Ratner had to say, “As far as the X-Men and where all these characters are, it seems like (the end) to me…How much more bigger budget can they make a movie?"

First off, this movie left more questions unanswered than Tony Snow at a press conference. Second, contrary to what the typical thirteen-year-old and Brett Ratner thinks, special effects and budgets do not determine a films quality or effectiveness.

That stupid comment by Ratner illustrates everything wrong with the new film. It’s like Ratner thinks that big explosions, huge fights, and the illogical destruction of national monuments automatically translates into a kick-ass movie. Sorry Brett, that’s just not the case. Just ask Vin Diesel, Stallone, Roland Emmerich, Michael Bay, and John Travolta.

Stick to the Jackie Chan movies Ratner. That way you know you don’t have to fool with pesky dialogue and character development.

Okay, I’m done bitching about the X-Men movie. How can I remain depressed when movies like “Nacho Libre” and “Snakes on a Plane” loom just over the horizon?

2006-05-27T16:20:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-05-27

Robot Chicken's "Ode to the nutshot"- via YouTube

Not much to say about that one.
Stewart/Colbert in '08!

Get your shirts now.
Seth Roberts' Shangri-La Diet in Detail.

I've read several articles on this, and it is simultaneously the most crazy and logical thing I've heard regarding weight loss. I'm not gonna try it, but I hope someone I know does. I mean, I don't want to get sick but I wanna see if it works.
Jesus Pan - The Orginal JesusPan Seen and Heard Everywhere

Perfect for making delicious flapjacks to either serve your family for breakfast, or sell to gullible zealots on ebay as a "miracle."

X-Review: X-Men 3 The Last Stand

2006-05-27T00:08:00.000-05:00

Short review:

Meh. The fighting was kinda cool.

Long review:

One of the aspects that made the first two X-Men movies work so well derived from Bryan Singer’s meticulous attention toward character driven storylines. As neat as the CGI segments and fighting looked the characters were what actually mattered in the first two movies. Even with a large ensemble cast Singer found ways to explore the relationships and complexities of his characters. He did the same thing with his film “The Usual Suspects,” and I’m certain the critical and artistic success of that film had a lot to do with Singer landing the first two films.

If that’s what you liked about the first films then you’re gonna be mighty disappointed with the third one. Brett Ratner either cares very little for character driven stories or he lacks the directorial chops to pull one off. Of course, I’ve only seen four of his films aside from this one (Rush Hour I & II, Money Talks, Red Dragon), so perhaps this is just an aberration.

Regardless, the sections of the film in-between the massive fight scenes drag unbearably, and I found myself cringing at more than quite a few lines of dialogue. As the film opens Scott Summers and Logan are still mourning the death of Jean Grey, but Ratner’s trying so hard to cram so much stuff into the first act that we never get the opportunity to feel any sympathy for either of them.

Predictably, the most impassioned exchanges of dialogue occur between Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellan, but sadly we only get two short scenes where these two thespians interact. The rest of the time we spend bouncing from character to character, never spending enough time with any one of them to care an ounce about what they’ve got going on. And that’s a major problem, because since we haven’t formed any real attachments the “emotional” moments of the film fall completely flat.

And I may get flamed for this, but Halle Berry is a dreadful actress in this franchise. For the past two movies she complained that she didn’t have enough to do in the films. She claimed she had terrible dialogue (she did) and that her character didn’t fight very well or quite enough (ditto for that one). After seeing more of her in this movie I understand why Singer limited her screen-time.

The fight scenes are quite good, though. We finally see large groups of mutants slugging it out, which is a real treat. Hugh Jackman continues to impress the hell out of me as Wolverine. We even get a glimpse of the militaristic side of the old canucklehead when Jackman calls for the good mutants to “Hold This Line!” Vinne Jones, who plays Juggernaut, also does an outstanding job, as does Eric Dane who portrays Jamie “Multiple Man” Madrox. And to answer your question, yes, Kelsey Grammar does an outstanding job as Hank McCoy, and yes, he does utter the line “Oh my stars and garters” and even manages to make it sound cool.

But again, we don’t get enough time with these characters, and that’s a real shame, because just their small moments onscreen delighted this fanboy.

So, go see it if you want, but just know that you’re getting a lesser quality X-film than you did with the previous two. Oh, and stay until after the credits.

Now I’m gonna talk about some nit-picky, extremely nerdy, aspects of the film that really pissed me off, but I’m going to write them in white lettering because they contain massive spoilers. And I’m not kidding about that: MASSIVE SPOILERS AHEAD! So if you want to read them, highlight the “blank” portion below.

In no particular order:

1. When Logan argues with Charles he should call him “Chuck.” Enough with the “professor” already.

2. Cyclops dies twenty minutes into the film? Wha? Are they punishing Mardsen for appearing in Singer’s “Superman?”

3. When Colossus fights he should always transform into his steel amour and remain transformed for the duration of the fight. Why the hell is he running around in the midst of battle in his human form? That makes no damn sense.

3 While we’re on Colossus, he’s Russian, dammit. He speaks English with a heavy accent, not with some non-regional slightly slackerish accent. He sounded like Ted Theodore Logan, for God’s sake.

4. Warren Worthington’s more boring on film than in the comics? How’s that possible? And he saves his dad at the end by swooping down and catching him? Awww. Ain’t that cute. Where’s Apocalypse when you need him?

5. Charles is a powerful psychic, but even he couldn’t reconstitute himself after someone atomizes him. Com’on!

6. Why does Wolvie not look for Scott at Alkaline Lake? He found his Ruby Quartz glasses floating in the air but he never thought to look for him? And why the hell doesn’t Wolvie use his nose to track for people in the film? He’s an amazing tracker who can sense people for miles around, yet the fog gives him a problem. And Storm hadda be told to disperse that fog with her silly weather powers? And now she’s the leader of the X-Men? Great…that’s just great.

7 Speaking of little Miss Ororo, we know what her powers are. Every time she uses them we don’t need the dramatic music to start playing, or her eyes to cloud over slower than Charles maneuvers up stairs, or the goofy camera-pull-back. We get it. She controls weather. Get on with the movie.

8. I’m fine with Wolvie losing to Juggernaut, but he should have at least cut him up a little. Juggy’s powerful and nearly unstoppable once he gets moving, but he’s not that all that quick.

I’ll probably think of more later but unless you ask I’ll keep’em to myself.

Mobile Blog

2006-05-26T15:33:00.000-05:00

No link dump. We just left the theater from watching X-Men 3. Review forthcoming.

A Tip From Me To You

2006-05-26T03:46:00.000-05:00

If you already feel discouraged and underrepresented in our current political climate then you should probably resist all temptations to re-read “Animal Farm.” I speak from experience on this one people. It will not improve your outlook. Trust me on this.

I think Squealer must have received his oratory training from FoxNews, because he sounds exactly like every talking head that works for that station. I swear, if I didn’t know better I’d think that Orwell was a time traveler and developed that character and his sophistic rhetoric after watching an episode of “The O’Reilly Factor.”

2006-05-25T16:20:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-05-25

Jack Black’s Musical Number on Ellen- via Best Week Ever

Ah, Jables. Singing the song about the greatest story ever told on a talkshow. Almost as good as The D's video for Tribute.
X-men X-quiz - MSNBC.com

I scored 92%, which means I only missed one. Howsabout you?
California reds win by a nose in tasting rematch - via Times Online

BOOOYAAA! How you like us now, Frenchie! Ahem...sorry 'bout that. I get a little emotional sometimes.
Old School Letterman- via Daily Sixer

If he did that today he'd get fined a gazillion dollars.
The English Language The "F" word- via Break.com

Not Safe For Work. A grammar lesson covering the usages of the word "fuck." If you're around people who take offense to this word wait to watch until you get home. If you're at home and someone over the age of 12 gets offended, then move.

A Wonderful Neighbor

2006-05-25T14:12:00.000-05:00

I started to simply tag this for the daily link dump, but after wracking my brain over how to do it justice in four sentences or less, I decided to simply write up a full post.

In 1969 Richard Nixon proposed a reallocation of funds from the newly formed Public Broadcast System towards the war effort in Vietnam. Needless to say, this would have effectively killed the PBS. A then relatively unknown man by the name of Fred Rogers appeared before the Senatorial Subcommittee to speak on behalf of the PBS.

From the Wikipedia entry on Fred Rogers:

In 1969, Rogers appeared before the United States Senate Subcommittee on Communications, which was a subcommittee of the Committee of Commerce. His goal was to support funding for PBS, in response to significant proposed cuts. In about fifteen minutes of testimony, Rogers spoke of the need for social and emotional education that public television provided. He passionately argued that alternative television programming like his Neighborhood helped encourage children to become happy and productive citizens, sometimes opposing less positive messages in media and in popular culture. He even recited the lyrics to one of his songs.

The chairman of the subcommittee, John O. Pastore, was not previously familiar with Rogers' work, and was sometimes described as gruff and impatient. However, he reported that the testimony had given him goosebumps, and declared, "Looks like you just earned the $20 million." The following congressional appropriation, for 1971, increased PBS funding from $9 million to $22 million.

I watched Mister Rogers every day as a child. I loved that show, and as I now look back with my cynical adult-eyes at the ideas and philosophies espoused by Fred Rogers and compare them to the ones we espouse today I can’t help but feel incredibly sad.

See if you feel the same way. Here’s the video of Mister Rogers’s appearance at the Subcommittee from 1969 via YouTube.

The last two lines of his song bring tears to my eyes every time I watch it.

My Scrubs Post

2006-05-25T02:18:00.000-05:00

Since Leigh doesn’t start work until the end of June, and I’m a shiftless lay-about all the time, we’ve spent a good deal of time watching T.V. We recently bought the first three seasons of “Scrubs” and watched every episode in a little over a week’s time. I’ve mentioned the show before, but I don’t think I’ve ever written up proper post about it.

As a rule I generally don’t like medical shows. This probably stems from the traumatization I experienced from watching the final episode of “St Elsewhere.” After several seasons of faithfully following the show that final episode revealed that an autistic boy had dreamed up the entire staff and story of St. Eligius as he gazed into a snow globe. I felt robbed.

This betrayal, combined with the fact that Leigh’s medical training makes her insufferable when watching medical shows, usually causes me to steer clear of traditional medical dramas like E.R. and the ilk.

Fortunately, “Scubs” isn’t the typical medical show. For starters, the half-hour show isn’t a drama; it’s a comedy. And not the typical laugh-track laden, multiple-camera angled comedy we’ve all grown accustomed to watching. No canned laughter tells you when the jokes are funny, and frankly the rapid-fire pace of the dialogue leaves no time for a laugh track anyway. Gone, too, are the multiple-angles of the traditional sitcom. On “Scrubs” you get one camera that floats around our characters as if they were on a reality-show.

Critics usually single out the comedic chops of the mop-headed Zach Braff, but I gotta say, I can’t remember any show with a stronger ensemble cast. “The Office” comes extremely close, but I’d give the final vote to “Scrubs.” Each character possesses their own unique idiosyncrasies and personalities, as opposed to goofy stock characters like most shows (Friends, I’m lookin’ at you). This makes for extremely funny recurring jokes, which very nearly outnumber the one-liners, the stock-in-trade of other sitcoms. Mixed in with character-driven jokes are the numerous occasions of physical comedy. Zach Braff’s J.D. kills me with each pratfall, and when Donald Faison’s Turk screams like a girl I fall to pieces.

The show follows the young doctor J.D. and his friends as they enter their first year of residency. They move up the medical ladder with each season, so that currently J.D. works as an attending medical doctor and Turk seeks a surgical fellowship. The audience is privy to the inner monologue of J.D., a young man who daydreams constantly. Several times an episode we see the daydreams and fantasies of J.D., and these little sequences are usually hilarious.

One of the most surprising and delightful things about “Scrubs” is that when the show does decide to delve into poignant or moving story arcs they do an outstanding job. Okay, I’ll admit it, I cried several times while watching the show. I defy you to remain dry-eyed while watching “My Screw Up,” probably one of the single greatest episodes of any show. The broad comedy provides a nice juxtaposition for the times when the show becomes serious, making those solemn sections that much more poignant and moving. And because I closely identify with characters that daydream about Kung Fu Fighting their co-workers or fantasize about being inside the Star Wars universe, I feel much more empathy for them than say, George Clooney.

I found the 100th episode of “Scrubs” on YouTube in three parts: I II III. Watch those, and then click on the images of the DVD sets above and order each season from Amazon and get your Scrub on. You won’t be disappointed.

2006-05-24T16:21:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-05-24

Neo -vs- Robocop -via YouTube

Holy crap I wanna see that movie. Really good editing in that clip.
Lightsaber combat - via Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

It's an amazingly in-depth entry.
"The Myth of Superman" by Neil Gaiman and Adam Rogers- via Wired.com
Bryan Singer & the Man of Steel- via Wired.com

Can Bryan save the Superman franchise? That's not rhetorical. I'd really like someone to tell me, 'cause I'm a little scared. Someone hold me...

The Voices In My Head Hate Me

2006-05-24T02:51:00.000-05:00

What stands between me and a fully finished novel? Well, besides the forty thousand or so words, I mean.

Me. I stand in my way. While writing I'm constantly fighting against my bumbling, procrastinating, argumentative mind (yes, I argue with myself…and I always win) just to get a couple of sentences down. Sometimes I write and sometimes I curse the computer.

Guess which I did tonight?

No blog entry until Wed afternoon because I’ve sat and stared at the hateful, blinking cursor for hours until I want to punch my fist through the monitor.

I’m taking a break for my own good.

2006-05-23T16:20:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-05-23

NINJA NEWS

Ninja madness hits Canterbury campus.
Cartoons -via YouTube

Index of over 500 cartoons on YouTube. For the inner (or in my case outer) kid in you.
Superman Trailer

Near the end of the trailer you'll see a few frames of Big Blue as he lands. That segment alone would be worth the price of admission.
Lewis Black "Black on Broadway"- YouTube

The full HBO special from the most cynical man on the planet. Watch it quick before it disappears.
Escaped Cow Charges Police Car -via Wiltshire.co.uk

I've seen a cow charge a vehicle, so this is nothing new. But the article says the cow damaged the car's "bonnet and grill." Why the hell did the PD have a bonnet tied to their car? That wouldn't exactly strike fear into the heart of evil-doers, would it?
SWORD NEWS- "Marlboro man kills pigeon with sword" -via Poughkeepsie Journal

"A local man is due to be arraigned Wednesday on misdemeanor animal cruelty charges after he allegedly killed a neighbor's pigeon with a four-foot sword." That's just overkill. A dagger would have sufficed.
Concord Teacher Accused Of Having Sex With Student On Raleigh Field Trip -via WRAL.com

The student is quoted as saying, "Don't wanna be no uptown fool. Maybe I should go to hell but I am doing well. Teacher needs to see me after school."

Coming Of Age Is Hard Work

2006-05-22T19:20:00.000-05:00

There are certain genres of story-telling that we’re all familiar with whether we realize it or not. Since the time of the Restoration in England when the novel took precedence over most other forms of writing the bildungsroman emerged as a very popular genre of story-telling; it remains as such today. Bildungsroman is simply a fancy-schmancy lit term for a coming-of-age story; in German it means “novel of formation” or “novel of education.” Usually the protagonist of the novel begins as a naïve ignoramus and through the trials and tribulations of life eventually grows into a mature adult to realize their place in the world. You’ve seen this framework in such works as “Moll Flanders,” “Citizen Kane,” “Billy Madison” and countless others.

Lit scholars also identify a sub-category of the bildungsroman in which the protagonist is an artist. In the Kunstlerroman, “artist-novel,” the protagonist goes through trials and tribulations just as the protagonist of the bildungsroman, but they have the added burden of not only mastering their artistic craft but also realizing the significance of it in the world. By the end of the text they realize what M.H. Abrams calls an “artistic destiny.”

Why did I just go into all that? Well, because I just read this article from Time.com about the Dixie Chicks and realized that they are a real-life embodiment of a Kunstlerroman.

Now, quite honestly I previously held very little respect for the Dixie Chicks. And not because of their comments in London about the president. I liked them for that. No, I disliked them because they apologized for their little comments. By apologizing I felt they lacked the courage of their convictions…in other words they wussed out. Hell, all they said was that they were embarrassed that the President was from Texas. Ignoring the fact that the president is a Texan in the same way that Hillary Clinton is a New Yorker, if they felt like that, then good for them. Say it, yell it, and scratch it on bathroom walls for all I care.

But to take it back after incurring the wrath of angry republicans made me even more nauseous than their music. If you’re gonna mouth off then make sure to have the stones to stand by what you say. I mean, just look at Ann Coulter. Sure, she’s more racist and xenophobic than Hilter (GOODWINED) but at the very least she remains consistent in her statements.

After reading that Time article it hit me: They are actually living a Kunstlerroman. In every coming-of-age story you always see a section where the protagonist compromises his/her morals in spite of every bit of intuition instructing otherwise. Very often this conflict represents the very crux of the story. Take “Billy Madison” for example. Billy decides to endure the hardship of retaking all twelve years of school in just twenty-four weeks. After Eric blackmails Principal Anderson into kicking Billy out of school, Billy gives up and begins drinking margaritas and hanging out with the penguin again, despite the fact that he knows deep down that he really does want the company. Then Veronica comes and beats the shit out of Billy in the pool and Billy decides to hold the academic decathlon, and ultimately save the day.

After they spoke out against the president the Chicks were just like the drunken Billy floating around in that pool: the fear of realizing their potentiality, personally and artistically, caused them to recoil and compromise their integrity. They apologized and Billy chugged margaritas. But then, just like Billy in his decision to compete against Eric in the academic decathlon, the Chicks stepped up to the plate and consciously fulfilled their artistic destiny just like a good group of protagonists in a Kunstlerroman. They recorded an album of songs they wrote, one of which directly addresses their feelings about the whole incident.

‘Course, they may have decided that the polls indicate a shift in public perception, hence an anti-Bush song would equal massive sales. If that’s the case then I think they’re in for a huge disappointment. At this point even if the republicans who turned against them dislike Bush’s performance as much as everyone else, the one thing everyone hates is an “I-told-you-so” by a bunch of sanctimonious rich people.

If you’re interested you can go to YouTube and watch the Dixie Chicks video for the song “Not Ready To Make Nice.” If you’re like me then you’ll need to go apply some hydrocortisone cream to the rash you developed while listening to a country music song.

Incidentally, why not watch three videos of good anti-war songs while you’re at it?

2006-05-22T16:19:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-05-22

Why We Published the AT&T [wiretapping] Docs -via Wired News

I'm surprised that Wired News hasn't been found at the bottom of a river with concrete shoes.
Kiefer Sutherland You're My Hero

Any man who drunkenly runs onstage at a male strip club and puts on his own show is okay in my book. Bonus points to Kiefer for requesting the DJ to play "Stairway to Heaven" for his set.
‘Freddy Krueger’ Strikes Hollywood Boulevard -via CBS2.com

"The man dressed as Krueger got into an altercation with a man walking along Hollywood Boulevard and stabbed him in the chest with his scissor-hand." I can't make this shit up. With photographic goodness of the homemade Freddy glove.
Joe Pesci Answers Common Questions via-CRACKED.com

Joe Bless you.

2006-05-21T16:19:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-05-21

Jedi Knight Certificate -via Universal Life Church Monastery

Let me repeat that: from the Universal Life Church Monastery.
Congressional Briefing: Roberts: 'No civil liberties if you're dead' -via LJWorld.com

’I am a strong supporter of the First Amendment, the Fourth Amendment and civil liberties. But you have no civil liberties if you are dead." Really? So much for defending my right to speak with your death. "Liberty of thought is the life of the soul?"

2006-05-20T16:19:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-05-20

Kitty & Rooster, Weird Friendship -via YouTube

Notice, if you will, that I did not make an inappropriate pun regarding the synonyms for rooster and kitty.
The Worst Beers In The World -via RateBeer.com

I call shenanigans on this list. Natural Light appears nowhere on it. I did see one called "Bootie Light" which I'm sure that I'll be ordering the next time I get just a tab bit tipsy.
Senate Votes to Raise Indecency Fines Against Broadcasters -via ABC News

Nice to see that we've all calmed down and gotten some perspective on the whole indecency issue. Because I'd much rather explain what those commercials for "Viagra" are all about as opposed to a woman's filthy, filthy breast.
Should I play or should I pee? -via YouTube

I still do this.

Da Vinci Review: The Short, Short Version

2006-05-20T01:29:00.000-05:00

You know, planning on writing a review on a day when we’re expecting company was probably a bit presumptuous. I’m going to bed. Here’s the short, short version of my review:

Ron Howard: wrong director. Should’a hired Doug Liman.

Tom Hanks: terrific actor who probably put waaaaay too much thought into the Robert Langdon character. Langdon’s barely two dimensional on the page, and I’m sure the lack of character development threw Tom into a headpin, the result of which is that he seems very restrained at times and then all of a sudden VERY MANIC!

Audrey Tautou: who? Yeah…there’s a reason why you don’t know her. If there’s a God we’ll never hear from her again.

Ian McKellen: I love McKellen. He’s got such presence, and he brings more life to his little bit of Deus Ex Machina (you’ll understand later) than I’d expected possible.

The Script: Hmmm, this is a toughie. I thought the book was a decent thriller, but all the religious stuff never seemed that revelatory to me. Maybe I just read too much conspiracy literature. Anyway, Brown’s got a penchant for exposition and contrivances, and unfortunately those prosaic qualities translate even less well on-screen than in print. In other words, characters spend a lot of time telling you what’s going on in case you’re too dumb to figure it out from the action. Or maybe the writer didn’t have the skill to develop the script without it…either way; you spend a lot of time thinking “I get it…move on.”

So there’s my short, short version. Hopefully, I’ll post a longer one by the end of the weekend, but if I don’t, well, cut me some slack. My wife graduates from med school tomorrow, so I might be a little preoccupied.

Prelude to Da Vinci Code

2006-05-19T18:04:00.000-05:00

We saw a matinee showing of “The Da Vinci Code” this afternoon. I’ll write up a full review later tonight, but for those considering attending it before then: Wait. It’ll be real crowded and I’m not sure it’s worth fighting a bunch of morons to see it.

Read my review, and then decide if you still want to see it or wait for the DVD.

2006-05-19T16:19:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-05-19

Urban or Rural ? -via YouTube

I'm glad I watched this. I had no idea that urban was catching.
Looks like we missed another party.
AT&T Whistle-Blower's Evidence- via Wired News

AT&T filed an injunction against Wired News in an attempt to suppress this information from the public. The judge denied it. AT&T: “We didn't help the NSA! Wait...whattya doin'? Pay no attention to the man behind that curtain.”
Whip It

Those hats are really cool. You could get a bunch of'em and stack'em together. YEAH! WHIP IT!
Gitmo inmates attack guards stopping suicide attempt - via CNN.com

Entropy at work...please move along.
Horror Film Guns Commerical - via Google Video

Free rock with every purchase.
New Orleans 9th Ward 8 1/2 months later

Granted, these photos are from a left-leaning website, but they're sickening nonetheless.

GET OUTTA MY HEAD!

2006-05-19T01:50:00.000-05:00

No bloggery tonight.

Somehow 83 imps snuck into my skull via my ears and decided to throw an imp-party. They’re beating on drums, jumping up and down, holding chugging contests, and generally doing impish type things very loudly and with great abandon. I’ve tried pushing an icepick through my eyeball in hopes of stabbing a few of them, but they move pretty fast. I’m gonna go lie down, because I think they’ve started wrestling one another WWE style.

Or, I could just have a massive headache. At this point I’m unsure.

Check back at 4:00 CST for your link dump. It’s a biggie.

2006-05-18T16:19:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-05-18

The Flat-D Chair Pad

Something to keep in mind for Father's Day (read the description).
Bust it
Drunk Kiefer Sutherland tackles Christmas tree -via YouTube

Here's the news story about the incident. I so want to party with Kiefer now. Gotta go...I have to watch that video again.
Historical Sounds in MP3 Format -via The Free Information Society

Recordings of guys like Einstein, Che Guevara, Amelia Earhart, Thomas Edison, Adolph Hitler, JFK and FDR. Oddly, the "I've Fallen And I Can't Get Up" lady is on here too. a smiliar page.

Ten highest-radiation cell phones (United States) - via CNET reviews

Motorola phones are just tumors waiting to happen

Schadenfreude, Compliments Of VH1

2006-05-18T03:03:00.000-05:00

Some days I accomplish a good deal of writing: I work on my novel, publish what I consider an entertaining blog post, and tag several humorous or intriguing links for the next days link dump. When I fall asleep at the end of the day I do so with a feeling of pride and the contentment that comes after a job well done.

Today was not one of those days.

I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I spent the entire evening, four hours to be precise, watching a marathon of “The Surreal Life” on Vh1.

This season boasted the D-list celebrities of :C.C. DeVille, Sherman Hemsley, Tawny Kitaen, Steve Harwell, Alexis Arquette, Andrea Lowell, Maven and Florence Henderson.

If you know more than three of those individuals you probably watch waaaay too much T.V. I knew all but two, if that tells you anything about my viewing habits.

I freely admit that I take an unhealthy amount of joy in watching the disasters that these celebrities make of their lives.

Take Tawny Kitaen for example. You remember her. In the eighties she dry humped and writhed on top of the hood of two Rolls Royces in the Whitesnake video “Here I Go Again.” Through the course of her stay in The Surreal Life House Tawny self-destructs so completely that by the end of the last show she only speaks in unintelligible mumbles. She even passes out in the floor of her closet while packing to leave.

And Florence Henderson? She passive-aggressively attacks the Playboy playmate on several occasions, and at one point reduces her to tears.

Still haven’t marked this down as a “must-see?” At one point Maven, a former WWE wrestler, and Alexis Arquette, the transsexual sibling of David and Patricia, nearly get into a fistfight with a bunch of frat guys at a bar. Alexis grabs a big table umbrella and screams at the homophonic frat guys “I’ll fuckin’ take all you bitches out!” If that’s not entertainment then I don’t know what is.

Needless to say, I didn’t get any work done.

And I think I may be a little bit dumber too.

2006-05-17T16:19:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-05-17

Tesla Photos

No, not that Tesla. Photos of an actual Tesla Coil in action. Just click the link.
Charlene (I'm right behind you) by Stephen Colbert - via YouTube

I weep for the days of Duran Duran.
Napoleon Bonamite on Robot Chicken -via YouTube

In honor of the new DVD release. Compliments of Leigh.
DO NOT RESUSCITATE

The Evolving World Of Booksales

2006-05-17T01:54:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading Tyler Cowen’s article “What Are Independent Bookstores Really Good For” over at Slate.com. In the article Mr. Cowen attempts to tackle the assumption that the disappearance of indie bookstores signals the growing strength of capitalism in the form of superstores, and simultaneously the death of literary intellectualism. Cowen thinks the hoopla over the abundance of superstores and the lack of indie stores is much ado about nothing.

Cowen states that “Our attachment to independent bookshops is, in part, affectation—a self-conscious desire to belong a particular community…[p]atronizing indies helps us think we are more literary or more offbeat than is often the case… the indie label is a deliberate marketing ploy to segregate, often artificially, one part of the market from the rest.”

I agree with all of that wholeheartedly. There’s nothing I despise more than a bunch of self-important jerkoffs sitting around discussing the book du jour with their stupid little goatees, and their Marlboro Light cigarettes and their cups of Starbucks coffee, and their Kanji tattoos and their holier-than-thou attitudes. I just wanna flip them out of their chairs, pour their six dollar latte over their head and scream “Hunter S. Thompson and Jack Kerouac are not the only American authors out there, you pretentious ass!”

Ahem. Sorry ‘bout that. On with my critique.

Here’s where Cowen and I slightly part ways. He makes the claim that “But when it comes to providing simple access to the products you want, the superstores often do a better job of it than the small stores do: Borders and Barnes & Noble negotiate bigger discounts from publishers and have superior computer-driven inventory systems. The superstores' scale allows them to carry many more titles, usually several times more, than do most of the independents.”

Okay, I agree with the discount aspect. That all boils down to wholesale numbers. Since B&N and Borders place orders from the publishers for millions of books at a time they will always receive a much larger discount than the indie store, and rightly so. As far as the inventory systems go, of course they posses “superior computer-driven inventory systems.” They have to. With that many books entering through receiving and exiting through the cashwraps no paper card catalogue or human being could possibly keep up.

However, as great as their inventory systems perform and their stock levels dazzle, I’ve yet to encounter a superstore with exemplary, hell decent, customer service. Again, I believe that this all boils down to numbers. With high stock levels and a constant stream of new books arriving daily from Distribution Centers and publishers, combined with long store hours, these superstores hire workers out of necessity. Put simply, they need lots of hands to stock, receive, run the registers, take out the trash, etc. etc. etc., and most of the time the raw need for a worker takes precedence over the fact that said worker possesses little or no knowledge of books or sales.

Don’t misunderstand me: I don’t expect the bookseller to be able to give me a post-colonial reading of “The Tempest,” or a deconstruction reading of “Waiting for Godot.” I’d be happy if the be-boppin’ nitwit with the pants hanging lower than the crack of his ass knew where to find the bestsellers. Look, I worked in a small bookstore for quite a few years. I knew the sections that interested me, but I also knew the ones that didn’t just as well, because hey, that was my job. I’ve come across clerks who seemed surprised that they carried books at all. Those superstores may house an enormous inventory and an impressive backstock, but nine times out of ten the book stooge can’t find any specific one of them. And those computer systems Cowen seems so enamored with? I can’t count the number of times I’ve pushed the clerk out of the way and used the computer myself. Lighting fast search algorithms don’t mean shit if the goth-freak with the name tag lacks the skill to utilize them.

And I’m only partly blaming the clueless multitude of book-stooges. I know the superstore only pays them a pittance, and I’m sure they only work part-time which doesn’t leave them with enough hours on the floor to acquaint themselves with the location of Kurt Vonnegut.

Cowen also claims that places like Amazon and internet blogs offer readers a place to discuss literature, which suffices for the conversations that in the past took place in the indie store. Hey, I own the domain “Hyperliterature” and I’ve discussed quite a few novels and works of literature on this here site, but no text conversation will ever take the place of human interaction. I will talk for hours about books I love, and I cherish the interaction between friends and acquaintances about literature. And as much as I love comments and emails about books/movies/politics/etc, I’d much rather sit down with you face to face and share a coffee/tea/smoothie and talk. No blog/email/comment/review will ever replace that.

Other than those nagging little details I enjoyed his article. I, too, love the emergence of Google Books search, Amazon’s Search Inside feature, and out of print books available on-line. I’m curious as to how larger servers with huge arrays of drives offering teraflops of data storage will affect more traditional means of print storage, such as libraries. The day is rapidly approaching when we have the means to store all books electronically.

But then the question of access becomes important. Who has it and how do they use it?

Of course, that’s the topic for another post.

2006-05-16T16:19:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-05-16

Verizon stock takes hit on $50 billion lawsuit

You get three guesses as to the nature of the lawsuit, and I'll give you a hint: It rhymes with "mire-crapping."
Giant Smurf Arrested After Unsmurflike Behaviour

I know that Fark already posted this, but that's gotta be the funniest headline of the year.
Self-Defense By Bas Rutten -via YouTube

You know what Bas? I never underestimate a kick to the groin. BANG! (Flood, please watch this guy.)
Premature Address to the Nation

CNN accidentally airs footage of Bush rehearsing his speech.
How to Create a Ghost

Kind of a long article, but basically it tells of how a group of people imagined a ghost so completely that they started hallucinating him into existence. Or not. Maybe it was a playful demon. So hard to tell with the paranormal.

In America Blog Post Publishes YOU!

2006-05-16T01:24:00.000-05:00

I just read something that made me go “WHA!!??”

I was reading this article about Jodie Foster giving a speech at the University of Pennsylvania's commencement ceremonies. Nothing really exciting in the article. Jodie dislikes the administration, yadda, yadda, yadda.

But then I got to the very last paragraph which very offhandedly stated “Comedian Yakov Smirnoff, who earned a master's degree in positive psychology, was among the approximately 6,000 graduates.”

WHA!!?? First off, Yakov is still in this country? Why? I thought we sent him back home after “Night Court” went off the air.

Second, he holds a master’s degree? And in something meaningful like positive psychology and not something like schlocky joke-writing?

What the hell? Seriously, news stories shouldn’t interject non sequiturs with that head-turning magnitude into their articles. Things like that could give me a mental disorder.

2006-05-15T16:19:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-05-15

10 Things I Hate About Commandments -via YouTube

A romantic comedy 3,000 years in the making...
Scan This Book! - via New York Times

"In December 2004 Google announced it would digitally scan the books of five major research libraries to make their contents searchable, the promise of a universal library was resurrected."
Federal Source to ABC News: We Know Who You're Calling - via ABC News

I would love to hear someone try to defend this. Pronaus? Anyone?

Mother's Day Reminder

2006-05-14T17:27:00.000-05:00

I hope all my readers have already done something with their mother today...and emails don’t count you silly ‘net nerds. Pick up the phone and give her a call. Or take her out to eat.

Wish Unfulfillment

2006-05-14T17:10:00.000-05:00

You know, if Al Gore had come across this affable and intelligent in the 2000 election he would probably be president right now.

On a related note, I’m a little confused because apparently SNL produced this, but isn’t SNL supposed to be sad and pathetic? I laughed at this video, and that just shouldn’t happen with an SNL production.

2006-05-13T16:19:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-05-13

Rock N Roll Martial Arts -via YouTube

What do you do if you're a rock n roll star and a crazy fan rushes onstage? If you're Maynard from Tool you simply hipthrow the jackass on the ground then apply a choke. Yame Maynard, Yame.
Mother's Day -via YouTube

I'm not sure if I missed out or lucked out by not having a brother. I do know that I'd act just like the guy in the tie.
Top 10 Strangest Watches -via TechEBlog

I want numbers 1, 2, & 9. Please? Anyone?
Gibson inspired by 'fear-mongering' Bush - via Yahoo! News UK

Riggs among the anti-Bush crowd? Who'd a thunk it?

Wasted Time

2006-05-13T02:04:00.000-05:00

I intended to write a post tonight but instead I used my blogging time to write up a response to a comment. You can read it here (scroll to the bottom for the comment section).

So I’m taking the night off. I’m sure you’ll forgive me.

Incidentally, you’ve got a cool link dump for tomorrow. Be sure to check that out.

2006-05-12T16:19:00.000-05:00

links for 2006-05-12

Operation Photo Rescue

The OPR website asks folks with Photoshop knowledge to volunteer their time and skill to help repair photos damaged by Hurricane Katrina.
Klaatu, Barada, Nikto

A how-to on reprogramming road signs. I can't wait to give this a shot.
The A-Team -via YouTube

"If you have a problem. If no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire, The A Team." Man, I sure miss shows like this. Enough with the stupid CSIs and the Law and Orders. Bring back B.A. Baracus.
Computerman -via YouTube

Starring Jack Black. I have no idea where this came from, but it's the coolest thing since Heat Vision and Jack. I've only watched the first episode but five are posted on YouTube.
Evolution of Dance -via YouTube

I've got the AC/DC dance down pat, but I am working on my Kung Fu Fighting and Thriller. Compliments of Flood.

Technical Difficulties

2006-05-12T03:19:00.000-05:00

I just noticed that my header isn't loading up properly. I'm not sure why. I would do some checking but it's 3:30 in the morning and I'm tired, so I'll do it tomorrow. If you find anything else not working let me know.

My Privates

2006-05-12T02:52:00.000-05:00

I don’t know about you, but I am sick to death of the Bush Administration’s attempt to justify any and all illicit behavior by means of the “terrorist” defense. Look, let’s just lay our cards on the table, all right? We all want to protect our country, but we simply cannot afford to dismiss our constitutional rights as quaint colonial musings to do so. Let’s scrutinize the current debate about wiretapping, and then do a little hypothetical comparison afterwards.

Right now we’re being told that we need not worry about the intrusions into our privacy by way of electronic eavesdropping because the NSA is merely monitoring for terrorists.

Okay, now keeping that in mind let’s refresh ourselves on what the Fourth Amendment to the Constitution states: “The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not be violated, and no Warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by Oath or affirmation, and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized.”

Well gee-willakers! Contrary to what Bush says it looks like warrant-less wiretapping is illegal. Dammit. Well, maybe it’s okay since we’re battling terrorism, huh? ‘Course, if that were true the amendment would probably make a provision for it. Umm, well, maybe it’s in a gray area. I mean, if it’s in a gray area then at least this only infringes on our rights a little bit. It would be bad if the wiretapping thing broke another law.

Well, it does. You see, Section 222 of the Communications Act of 1934 states “Every telecommunications carrier has a duty to protect the confidentiality of proprietary information of, and relating to, other telecommunications carriers, equipment manufacturers, and customers, including telecommunication carriers reselling telecommunications services provided by a telecommunications carrier.”

So not only has the administration violated and infringed upon the rights granted to us by the Fourth Amendment, they also placed the telecom companies, which so graciously and patriotically complied with the NSA’s demands, in a very actionable position. The telecoms illegally turned over private information to a government entity, and by doing so broke the law. Oops.

Of course, if you follow the news you’ve heard all of this ad nauseam. Yesterday USAToday revealed that in spite of Bush’s assurances to the contrary, the NSA has in fact been spying on domestic communications on a massive scale. Bush promptly responded by saying, yeah, okay you caught us. We do spy on domestic calls but we don’t really listen to what’s said. We just make notes on who you’re calling, and really, only criminals would get upset over that. Besides, we gotta fight terrorism, so don’t give us any lip.

Does my paraphrasing reveal bias? Damn. Sorry ‘bout that. And people make fun of the line “but I didn’t inhale.”

Opponents claim that the administration’s actions are illegal and unconstitutional. Proponents claim that we need to fight terrorism, rights be dammed, and besides, only hippie commies bitch about “privacy,” because as we all know God-fearing Christians have nothing to hide.

Which very well may be true. Most of the time God-fearing Christians lead excruciatingly boring lives, so perhaps they really don’t have anything to hide. But mull this over Reverend Billy Bob:

What would you say if the administration suddenly claimed that it’s too dangerous to have all these guns floating around? That because terrorists could go to any gun show, pawn shop, or Wal-Mart and buy loads of weapons to use to kill Americans that we now need to register every ballistic weapon we own with the government, whether it be a deer rifle or a pellet gun or an AK-47 or a sling-shot. Ooo, that’d kinda suck, huh? Then you later found out that in addition to the compulsory registration retailers had covertly supplied the government with not only your name and your gun purchase, but your address, phone number, eye color, fingerprints, and bullet purchases.

That’s a little different huh? Not so hippie-ish now, right? We’re all in this together and we should all protect our constitutional rights against anyone who would take them away. I hate to admit this, but in the 2000 election I voted against Al Gore for one very simple reason: During the eighties he and his wife aggressively called for the censorship of musicians. Infringement of the First doesn’t fly with me, and neither does infringement of the second, third, fourth, or any of the amendments. Well, that’s not true. I’m not a big fan of the sixteenth, and the eighteenth really sucked, but everyday I thank God for the twenty-second.

Don’t let’em fool you with the “terrorist” excuse. I’m afraid that they’ve thrown that word around so frequently and indiscriminately that it’s become a useless term. If everything’s about terrorism then doesn’t that also mean that nothing’s about terrorism?

But don’t worry about me. I’m not overly concerned about any of this. I know that Bush will get what he wants. Shit, he better…he controls all three branches just like Palpatine. I get my shots in when I can. When I’m on the phone I like to randomly sprinkle terms like “dirty bomb,” “The Big Osama,” “Anthrax,” and “I kill people” throughout my conversations. I’ve also embedded search tags on this page so that anytime someone searches for “how to make bombs” this page turns up.

Hey, I got nothin’ better to do, and I’ve always been one to poke a stick in the eye of authority whether they needed it or not. And like James Madison once said, “You gotta fight for your right to party.”

Wait…that was the Beastie Boys, wasn’t it? Oh, well. Same difference.

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